I don't really
hate any game, or any other piece of media. Not real hate – not the kind of hate that you can feel bubbling, boiling, burning inside you. The kind of hate that drives a man to the edge, that makes him not a man, but a blithering, bleating, babbling baboon of a creature, foaming at the mouth, shaking at the legs, his fingers clenched and his eyes bloodshot. No, there aren't any games I hate like that.
EXCEPT ONE.
OH, HOW I HATE UNDERTALE!
This game, and the dipshit who made it, embody everything I hate about the world. I can literally point at this one singular piece of media as the sole moment when I stopped liking modern entertainment. It's ugly. It's boring. It's unoriginal to the point of plagiarism. Every line of dialogue is dripping with a smug, self-satisfied, passive-aggressive tone specifically formulated to make people like me go insane. It's the dark heart of millennial writing, millennial humour, millennial cultural values. It's the black, filth-drenched core of 2010s pop culture, that turned this world's joy to silt.
And yet everyone loved it! Oh, they loved it. And everyone was influenced by it. And everyone rewarded the petulant, infantile larva who created, shortly after squirming his way out of the devil's septic tank. Oh, they rewarded him! Oh, he's at the top of the world, isn't he? And if you don't like it, don't like the game, well – you're just
jealous, aren't you? Yes, you silly, foolish little chinchilla. You're just
jealous. It was
supposed to be bad, can't you see? It was
supposed to be smug. It was
supposed to be corruptive, corrosive, evil. And it was. And now, everything will be. Forever.
I have this theory that I can tell whether or not we'll get along by if you enjoy Undertale or not – the kind of person who likes this game typically has a mindset that I am physically repulsed by, in the same way a magnet is physically repulsed by another on the opposite polarity. I've gotten into multi-page internet arguments about it. Friendships have been ended. I've been labelled a pariah. And yet, for the rest of eternity – for the rest of
time! – I, Gorse, will hate this game.
At the closing of this world, when the sun fades and chaos retakes the universe, I will be there.
And I will still hate Undertale. You won't get me too, Toby. No – you won't get me.