Hello yall, Ik this shouldn't be a replacement for actual therapy and stuff, I'm being treated with medication and I just want to vent here because nobody takes me seriously enough to listen to me if I were to tell them. After reading this I realize it's written very poorly, but I really don't know how to express me better than this and I'm sorry.
I don't know exactly where it all started, but the more I think of it, I think it was when my mom left the family to find another man. I love my dad more than anyone, and my mom was not the best, but after she left we were mostly alone since dad worked (for a veeeery low wage) and nobody could take care of us. My dad was also pretty sad from all this and even if he was home he wouldn't be in the mood for some parenting (I think that's why I grew to be so clingy and possessive of people), so we were neglected until about 12 when he got a new girl and so.
So now getting closer to the actual problems, in my childhood and puberty I was way too insecure and shy, I would just cry out of stress from everything that happened and that caused me to be bullied for crying and being the guy with weird taste. I also was acknowledged by the teachers and my dad for being very smart, and that caused me a lot of pressure to satisfy people with my results even today. Almost at the end of elementary school, I met someone that I befriended, which was pretty shy too and just then I started to have this need to create an image of my person to get him to like me more or admire me, acting like I was confident, smug, carefree, playful, and etc. But sometimes, even recently, I would snap out of this personality and acted pretty defensively and scared whenever I felt like our friendship was gonna be taken away (by other friends, girls, and stuff like that) and that caused a lot of fights between us.
So I would leave elementary school devastated due to my family (only my dad and brother) living with the bare minimum, dealing with bullying and wishful expectations from people that knew me, hiding my stress and trying to feel valuable by getting people to like me. On secondary school my only friend went in my same class but had to change schools the same year, leaving me alone and scared to deal with the same again. I continued polishing my image and kids started to find me funny, and eventually the whole school knew me for being that guy that makes everyone laugh by shaming himself in front of everyone, typical aint it? Anyways, that era was more of the same, on top of my mom trying to come back into our lives, me trying to mantain my friendship (and struggling with jealousy since my friend would become more friendly with other people and even with some girls), financial problems from my dad, my brother getting into drugs and a lot of other things that made me very stressed and anxious.
Then, I would grow a bit more and started struggling with love. Yeah, I wasn't especially good-looking, and people only knew me for being the jock/clown type, so of course I would struggle with feeling worthless and unlovable, but on top of that, what made me feel so lost, was that I started liking my friend. In the more than friends way. I was scared when I realized, because some times when LGBT activists or protestants showed up on TV, my dad mocked them, found them repugnant, and once told me that he would kick us out of the house if we ever turned out like those people. There was no one I could tell this, and due to being very impulsive, I would sometimes get too touchy with my friend, and one time even went too far, something that made me feel terrible and I don't wanna recall. He forgave me even though he shouldn't have.
I felt so worthless at the time, wondering what good was I even doing for people. After all, my mom left my dad because he didn't wanna take care of me and my brother, my brother didn't care about me, I was being something that my dad didn't approve of, I was making my friend distance himself from me, and I just coped by playing games all day and doing the typical stuff. Still on the love problems, some people came and left, most of which were only using me or seeing me as just an option, still I always wanted to please everyone that came in contact with me to stop feeling worthless. I ended up in love two more times, which only worked for leaving me totally hopeless about love and relationships overall.
All of that kept going on, and by 15 I was very depressed. I would still mantain my image and try to make my dad proud, still holding on to my friend, dealing with anxiety and trying to dowhatever made me feel worth. All my relationships would start to crumble when I realized that this image I held for so many years was making everyone treat me like a mindless and childish idiot, and that nobody truly took me seriously or cared about me. I slowly started to say what I meant, trying cautiously to express how I felt, but being dismissed by my dad, my new mom, my brother and my only friend, I felt even worse. I broke down once and told my dad some problems I had and that I liked guys, to which I could see his pained face but he would tell me he accepted it, and that it was okay. I felt fine for like a day, before I overheard him and my mom arguing on the phone, because my dad blamed her for being absent and making me a fag, while my mom blamed him for not taking care of our influences and etc. I realized that at that point I was just a burden to everyone in my life, that I wasn't needed, and I just wanted to stop hurting them with my presence.
I started dealing with suicidal thoughts, and later I would start cutting myself trying to ease my pain. I remembered this one time when I was little and I was watching the news with my dad, and some coverage about self-harm showed up. I got mad at how someone could do that to herself and not just talk about their problems, or if there was people who really felt that bad in the world. I would cry out of shame of myself, because of betraying my own values from back then and because I knew there were people who got way more things going on in their life and they would still go on, but I couldn't cope with what, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't really important. Eventually, my half mom and dad would realize the cuts, and guess what was my dad's reaction? Something along the lines of :
"Oh, come on. With you its something new everyday! Why can't you be more like me, I have ten times more things to feel bad about than you, and you just gotta go and do something that stupid! Why can't you be more like me?"
I had enough out of everything and just wanted to end my life, I felt like I failed at everything. I tried to tell my friend and I just remember him being very vague and dismissive. He wasn't taking me seriously either.
My mom eventually came into contact with me again, saying she was told what happened and that she was sorry for not being there for me. She paid a psychiatrist and soon after he got me my medication. I felt grateful for once, at least, and it's currently helping me out.
I still try to cope with being a shame for everyone, and having only one friend that would be totally fine if I weren't here, but it's being so hard for me. I'm sorry for telling my whole life into this post, but there's really no one in my life that would ever listen to this, so just venting. Thank yall and sorry for writing so much.
