I really struggle to put the stuff I feel into words, or feel comfortable opening myself without feeling like an idiot. But life as an adult has been kind of a shitshow for me , especially this year. After leaving art school because of bullying and having breakdowns pretty often, I seeked out psychiatric help and got diagnosed with a bunch of stuff like adhd , post traumatic disorders due to my unstable family, and developmental disorders. I'm not like dysfunctional or anything but shit like getting a job or handling adult stuff freezes me in place and makes me drown in anxiety and potential bad outcomes to the point where I just shut down. After some convincing I seeked out a disability aid in 2024 , and after 10+ months of doubt and taking the blunt of my mom's alcoholism or my dad's schizo mental abuse on the phone (I live in a lil studio my grandma owns) , I was told my disability was recognized and would get an aid. The problem though was that my current bank account had issues apparently and the disability center couldn't wire me the money. The past 2 months have been me basically fumbling through life like a total retard trying to open a bank account, failing because I'm missing ids and documents we should have about the house or family members but my mom didn't pay attention to keep it or something... And it just piled complication after complication , with me kinda giving in to paranoia about maybe losing my aid due to a technicality , or just needing to rely on my family again , which just makes me kinda uncomfortable. During that time, my mom kept drinking a lot and was very hard to reach, making all of those processes so much harder to ever see the end of. After a lot of pedantic bullshit I opened a second bank account, thinking everything is in order , I got my money and felt genuine relief and cried a bit. But just today it seems like some documents aren't in order , and even if I do have 11 months worth of aids saved up now, the idea shit can still crumble or something might go wrong is eating me inside right now. I know I just rambled my life away about very dumb stuff and probably worded myself badly, but I really thank anyone for reading that stuff. I've been making art for a few years now , and I've been meaning to professionalize myself at my own pace once that whole ordeal was cleared out. I just feel like shit never really goes away though and I always feel kinda dumb not knowing how to handle anything as an adult really. I'm not like in danger or terribly isolated , I have friends (mostly online) , but all my insecurities from being treated like ass by my dad , seeing my mom hurt herself and feeling like a useless mentally deficient idiot in art school still kick in and make me feel like I can't enjoy the genuine wins I get in life. I hope all you guys have a really good 2025 and thanks again for reading through my stuff lol.
