I never feel quite like I fit anywhere really. Some places are more pleasant to me than others, but I've never felt at home anywhere. Attempts to be my true, authentic self sometimes lead to conflict, either because of my own immaturity, because people don't understand how I process information and emotions, because my lack of traditional masculinity doesn't fit in the southern US, or because I have the social graces of an autistic seal. Being helicopter parented and emotionally abused didn't help me either. I simultaneously crave connection, yet find people overwhelming. Iyo is a fragment of myself I recently stopped repressing and allowed to manifest in digital space. Expressing affection, laughter, tears, and flexible gender expression I keep hidden or controlled in the real world to not show weakness. With him comes a sense of fulfilment sometimes, and heartache other times, as people and events come and go in Iyo's life. Sometimes they go because they hurt me, sometimes because I hurt them, and sometimes through the fault of no one. But Iyo is still just a fragment, not me in my entirety, so perhaps part of people's misunderstanding is something I bring on myself. Still, if the times I tested the waters are any indication, some things are best kept to myself. I just hope the fragment you see brings more joy than pain, even as I bumble about.
