A Mario Movie Review, and not the One You’re Thinking

Buckle up, this’ll be a (short) long one. We’ll be here for a while.

Can something be still said about the 1993 fever dream that was the Mario film? You’ve heard the jokes about how it randomly starts with… a Jurassic history lesson, yes really, you’ve heard the jokes about the two Italians not being played actual Italians, you heard the Mario Mario, the bob-omb-monkey, the implied incest (yes, really) and you also probably seen the goombas, if not, God help you. Heck, you’ve likely also seen the NC critic review that’s constantly being referenced here. It’s a good laugh, with all its crunchy low quality audio!

Actually forget about you, God help ME!​

“See you later, alligator!”
​

I would say we’re off to a fantastic start, but I truly have no clue where to even start. The opening paragraph alone was re-written at least three times so I said SCREW IT and let’s see where the insanity takes us. Now I imagine most of you mentally blocked off 80% of the movie’s plot. So a recap wouldn’t hurt anyone (this is a blatant lie, the mere act of bringing this movie up is harmful as is).

Yes, this film does have a plot, to our dismay.​

Take my word here, this is the most normal looking image you’ll find of this creature.
​

Contrary to popular belief, this movie unfortunately does indeed possess the concept of plot. Allegedly speaking anyways. Scientists worldwide did everything in their power to debunk this claim in order to seal the evil away but as they say, when you stare at the abyss, it stares right back. But here it’s more like and it stares and shouts awkwardly-delivered lines.

Tragic and unbelievable as it may be, the 1993 Super Mario Movie has some semblance of a coherent string of events. “Coherent” being the operative word here, as you’ll have a hard time processing any of them due to their unabashed insanity. And hey, don’t take my word for, Bob Hoskins himself dubbed this one of his acting career’s lowest points. And if that man could kick the arse of Doc Brown’s evil cartoon brother, I trust him with anything.

By the by, that image above is ACTUALLY the most normal looking image I could find. The others have him doing this:

Or this:



Or this:



Or whatever expression this is meant to be. Arousal? Constipation? Both?


​

Ok, enough stalling​

Would you believe this was initially meant as a positive article? ​

We as a human specifies can be truly foolish at times. The existence of this movie as well as this very thinkpiece is proof enough of that. Absolutely no good ideas here to speak of. You mean to tell me this film is about Mario trying to seduce a lizard lady to get closer to bowser and stop him from his most diabolical plan, ordering a pizza?

What the heck was he even ordering here? And people apparently can’t stand Hawaiian, despite its deliciousness.
​

Truth be told, I made some of that up. Sadly nothing else is made up, but I needed something to keep me going through the physical headaches. Believe me, that’s not a bit. The paragraph you are reading is being typed while having a headache that’s a result from trying to dissect the 1993 movie.

If reading all this starts to feel like a fever dream, then this gets points for authenticity, as I refuse to believe there’s any other valid way to review this film. The Critic was driven to madness, and so have I.

Oh yeah, that Bob-omb clip from earlier​

Did you know Dennis Hopper is a good actor?
​

No seriously, did you know that Dennis Hopper is a phenomenal actor? You don’t know? While I would understand being skeptical after seeing the film, there’s a great argument to be made here. See, Dennis wasn’t acting. He was doing something, but it was most certainly not acting. In fact, made an oath to himself to not act in the Mario movie. And true to his words, not a single clip of his performance, if it can be even identified as that, could he called “acting”. It can be maybe called a scientific anomaly, a UFO sighting, perhaps doctored footage of the inside a psych-ward, but it was most certainly and indubitably, NOT acting. Just like how we need to call into question if this was a movie, or a supernatural incident.

Ah… review score?​

If you’ve been paying attention throughout the review, assuming you retained your cognitive functions after being exposed to the Goombas and Bowser scenes, this movie cannot be scored in a traditional sense. As a result, I refuse to do so.

See, you need to understand. This is not really a movie, you may have the impression that it is one, but this is more like a myth. Like the Loch Ness monster, or the Yeti, or Big Foot. Many of us claim have seen it, but none of us could prove we did. How do you even score something like that? To be completely frank, 120 minutes of writing a piece about the Mario Movie is 120 minutes too much. Hope you had a tremendous day and see you guys in Ramadan. Game on!

And… some housekeeping ?…​

Now it’s time for a small editorial note on this author’s part and talk about what’s been going on this past month. It’s easy to say not much, but that’s a frankly a lie. It’s quite tricky to go over since a good chunk of it is mundane life stuff, but I do wanna get back into drawing and writing fictional stories again. On top of that, I’ve picked myself where I left off with my interests in hip-hop. I’ve begun listening to Kendrick Lamar again, alongside YoungBoy, JID, Ye and so many others. I’m also really hyped about the release of McKinley Dixon’s new album. I’ve also been relistening to Suisei Hoshimachi, UTAU and SynthV again. Also, I’ve been REALLY addicted to this. Great listen!

Take care everyone!​

 

[DunkeyKong]

How it'd be like if they meet fr

 

[Stingy Perry]

The fact that Bob Hoskins was drunk every time he arrives at the set is a clear sign that the movie is so screwed up .

 

[Yousef's iconYousef]

How it'd be like if they meet fr
View attachment 33128

Heh, that’s a pretty appropriate meme to use for this thread! Nice one!

 

[Strategist's iconStrategist]

I'm going to be the weirdo who says this movie was actually quite watchable and not bad. The goomba and koopa costumes are pretty bad, but the Yoshi CG/animatronic is actually quite good for 1995. The bombomb prop was pretty cool and the jump boots were not bad. The mario plumber jump suits didn't look half bad. The sets were really good too, even though they didn't really belong in a Mario movie. The cast is also really good although they are phoning it in for the most part. It has its charm and I remember thinking it was a really weird take on a Mario movie, which made it somewhat memorable.

 

[LiberoVulpes]

I thought you were joking when you said you were going to cover the Mario movie.

The level of pain you put yourself through for this article is commendable.

 

[Yousef's iconYousef]

I'm going to be the weirdo who says this movie was actually quite watchable and not bad. The goomba and koopa costumes are pretty bad, but the Yoshi CG/animatronic is actually quite good for 1995. The bombomb prop was pretty cool and the jump boots were not bad. The mario plumber jump suits didn't look half bad. The sets were really good too, even though they didn't really belong in a Mario movie. The cast is also really good although they are phoning it in for the most part. It has its charm and I remember thinking it was a really weird take on a Mario movie, but it wasn't devoid of value.

Nothing weird here! I wrote about the film because I love it to death, it’s so engrossing in its insanity that I find it quite the infectious talking point, almost like a parasite! I tend to be harsh in my sarcasm but it’s always in the spirit of fun.

I actually had to look up what the CGI yoshi looked like because I completely forgot he was in the movie, somehow managed to filter that one out!

On a personal note, a damn shame it ended on s cliffhanger!

 

[ATenderLad]

(Oh wow, there aren't enough video game movies. I should have called dibs!)

It's a really fun piece Yousef! It's not a very good movie, although I think it's bad in a pretty fascinating way.

 

[ciro64]

This movie is a inexplicable amalgamation from every insanity from the 90's imaginable. I've heard the script was passed through the hands of more than more than 10 writers.

And I fucking love it. Not only that but I'm also nostalgic about it and the 4 year old me would see nothing strange about it.

 

[RageBurner]

This article makes you smile (for all the right reasons) and the movie makes you cry (for all the wrong reasons).

 

[Benjamillion]

The movie was definitely along the lines of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III for me, I was excited to go see it, but then walked away wondering what I just watched. But looking back now I figured that I may as well get used to all the weird stuff surrounding it. I mean the video games in themselves had their own bizarreness to them. Lest we forget having a Tanuki suit that can turn Mario into a statue, or a creature that resides inside of a cloud that throws spiked enemies at you.

 

[Nebulon_Galaxy]

Very well done review!

 

[Strategist's iconStrategist]

The movie was definitely along the lines of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III for me, I was excited to go see it, but then walked away wondering what I just watched. But looking back now I figured that I may as well get used to all the weird stuff surrounding it. I mean the video games in themselves had their own bizarreness to them. Lest we forget having a Tanuki suit that can turn Mario into a statue, or a creature that resides inside of a cloud that throws spiked enemies at you.

Yeah, people forget that the source material for this game makes absolutely no sense and expecting a good movie out of it is folly. I haven't seen the new Mario movie but I doubt it is as good as people say. The decision to make a live action Super Mario Bros movie is dumb and at least the movie tries to have some fun with the premise. There are a few fun scenes thrown in there, although not enough as there should be. I recall a scene where they lull some goombas to sleep that was somewhat fun.

 

[ThirteeTooBeets]

I watched this movie as a kid and the only thing I remember is really really REALLY liking the Yoshi animatronic. I should rewatch it

 

[Blamhammer]

What timing, I just watched the Morton Jankel cut of the film last night. It's a film alright, a very silly one. I do love Bob's take on Mario, and l now have his line of "I'm gonna break every bone in their body and THEN i'll kill em!" stuck in my head.

The film ends with an obvious upcoming sequel, but that never happened. I think the problem here was that the writers and director spent the first film getting the backstory and setting down and then make the sequels more to what we expected. I dunno, it does not help that it was nothing like the games and that they killed off Bowser in the first film.

Seriously, what?!

 

[Yousef's iconYousef]

(Oh wow, there aren't enough video game movies. I should have called dibs!)

?yeah, I won’t lie, I did feel slightly bad realizing it was me first. Well not like anyone is banned from discussing it, just that you’ll have to pay me a small fee of a box of tea (this is absolutely a 100% zero sarcasm comment, laws will be written about this.

It's a really fun piece Yousef! It's not a very good movie, although I think it's bad in a pretty fascinating way.

Wholeheartedly agree! It’s really fun to discuss, I genuinely find everything about it to be so utterly endearing. I do think it’s bad, but it’s most certainly the good kind of bad! They don’t make this kinda stuff no more, I tell ya!

This article makes you smile (for all the right reasons) and the movie makes you cry (for all the wrong reasons).

Poetry.

Very well done review!

Thanks for reading!

I haven't seen the new Mario movie but I doubt it is as good as people say.

Personally? You ain’t messing a whole lot. Especially if you consider yourself to be someone who can’t tolerate Seth Rogan. Not saying he’s bad, he was quite ok. But almost in a frustrating kinda way, as in it’ll slowly start to haunt you. In short, this is a fairly ok movie, but there’s tiny little bits that are kinda irritating that unfortunately add up to a tale that’s not offensive in any way, but can feel… really blah! For similar reasons, I don’t really advise watching the sonic films. Only if you need your curiosity satisfied.

I watched this movie as a kid and the only thing I remember is really really REALLY liking the Yoshi animatronic. I should rewatch it

I strongly advise that you do. It’s an absolutely wonderful time. Almost no moments of dullness.

Yeah, people forget that the source material for this game makes absolutely no sense and expecting a good movie out of it is folly. I haven't seen the new Mario movie but I doubt it is as good as people say. The decision to make a live action Super Mario Bros movie is dumb and at least the movie tries to have some fun with the premise. There are a few fun scenes thrown in there, although not enough as there should be. I recall a scene where they lull some goombas to sleep that was somewhat fun.

Actually miyamoto semi sarcastically said the movie was really faithful to the games, which I don’t mean to quote as gospel but it undeniably makes me laugh out loud whenever I call it. Love that guy so much.

The movie was definitely along the lines of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III for me, I was excited to go see it, but then walked away wondering what I just watched. But looking back now I figured that I may as well get used to all the weird stuff surrounding it. I mean the video games in themselves had their own bizarreness to them. Lest we forget having a Tanuki suit that can turn Mario into a statue, or a creature that resides inside of a cloud that throws spiked enemies at you.

I feel somewhat similarly about the TMNT films, and I frankly don’t have that much disdain for the third movie like I used to. I can kinda appreciate it for what it is.

What timing, I just watched the Morton Jankel cut of the film last night. It's a film alright, a very silly one. I do love Bob's take on Mario, and l now have his line of "I'm gonna break every bone in their body and THEN i'll kill em!" stuck in my head.

The film ends with an obvious upcoming sequel, but that never happened. I think the problem here was that the writers and director spent the first film getting the backstory and setting down and then make the sequels more to what we expected. I dunno, it does not help that it was nothing like the games and that they killed off Bowser in the first film.

Seriously, what?!

Bob Hoskins absolutely killed it. He definitely played with a lot of passion even if his commentary suggests otherwise.
I’m still mad we never got a sequel. Would’ve been so awesome. Even if for the wrong reasons.
Killing bowser was indeed strange. Like what’s Mario gonna do in the sequel? Kick his own ass?

Once again, huge thanks to everyone who read the piece! Really appreciate the time and feedback!

 

[Strategist's iconStrategist]

John Legizamo also brought good energy to the movie. He was definitively trying to get the bad jokes from the script to work. I even thought the Mario Mario, Luigi Mario joke to be kind of cute.

 

[Yousef's iconYousef]

John Legizamo also brought good energy to the movie. He was definitively trying to get the bad jokes from the script to work. I even thought the Mario Mario, Luigi Mario joke to be kind of cute.

I kinda regret not being able to come up with a section for John Legizamo considering he’s likely my favorite part of the film. I heard some of my peers found him handsome, i could’ve made a joke about that but my headache really took over. (Which was really not a joke, I think I might’ve had a cold or something). I think no one was really miscasted here. Even the minor roles had some pretty hilarious scenes.

 

[Ícaro Oliveira Santos]

I find it unironically very funny, it's a very campy movie in my opinion. I think the designs of the Goombas are ugly as hell though. I literally had nightmares after finishing the movie because of the Goombas' designs, I was underage when I watched it

 

[Strategist's iconStrategist]

I find it unironically very funny, it's a very campy movie in my opinion. I think the designs of the Goombas are ugly as hell though. I literally had nightmares after finishing the movie because of the Goombas' designs, I was underage when I watched it

Someone else unironically likes this movie? Right on, brochacho!

And yeah you are right about the Goombas, freaking nightmare fuel right there. Like that shrunken head creature in Bettlejuice.

 

[RetroLaw]

This is actually the one I was thinking.

 

[Cu-Neo]

This movie is funny as hell on a strange way, at least some of the phrases have that cheese dialogue that I enjoy also I heard that Koopa es "un maldito desgraciado, Hijo de Lagartija"

Cool review as always!

 

[x0d9e]

Just watched this movie a few weeks ago for the first time since my childhood.
It's a bit crazy but both me and my 7yo daughter really enjoyed the show - maybe it's because 'koopa' in my language literally means sh*t xD

 

[Yousef's iconYousef]

Someone else unironically likes this movie? Right on, brochacho!

And yeah you are right about the Goombas, freaking nightmare fuel right there. Like that shrunken head creature in Bettlejuice.

View attachment 33513

A lot of us unironically like it (myself included but as previously stated, sarcasm is funnier)

This is actually the one I was thinking.

Fire ?

This movie is funny as hell on a strange way, at least some of the phrases have that cheese dialogue that I enjoy also I heard that Koopa es "un maldito desgraciado, Hijo de Lagartija"

Cool review as always!

Thanks for reading!

I find it unironically very funny, it's a very campy movie in my opinion. I think the designs of the Goombas are ugly as hell though. I literally had nightmares after finishing the movie because of the Goombas' designs, I was underage when I watched it

When googling the images I almost got Jumpscared despite literally seeing them a million times. There’s a LOT I forgot about this movie.

Just watched this movie a few weeks ago for the first time since my childhood.
It's a bit crazy but both me and my 7yo daughter really enjoyed the show - maybe it's because 'koopa' in my language literally means sh*t xD

Goddamn, this is pretty common for me actually. My least favorite Pokémon name to say is Zigzagoon because it literally means “shitty shit” in my language. Insane.

 

[Sumea]

I'm going to be the weirdo who says this movie was actually quite watchable and not bad. The goomba and koopa costumes are pretty bad, but the Yoshi CG/animatronic is actually quite good for 1995. The bombomb prop was pretty cool and the jump boots were not bad. The mario plumber jump suits didn't look half bad. The sets were really good too, even though they didn't really belong in a Mario movie. The cast is also really good although they are phoning it in for the most part. It has its charm and I remember thinking it was a really weird take on a Mario movie, which made it somewhat memorable.

I rewatched this movie with a guy few years back and had this same outlook. It is absolutely funny movie for an adult viewer with loads of fun and creative things even if they are also almost like watching one of those "Corrupted Mario" flash things but funded by Nintendo themselves.
The scene where they save the "princesses" and one of them adamantly has a smoke between her fingers in every shot. Even every shot of a tube down is absolutely funny.
While no masterpiece and not all that in grand scheme, I felt after the rewatch that especially with Minions team behind it, the new movie would be quite soulless in comparison, and in my books, that was true. The 1993 romp still has soul from some mad scientists behind camera and the mess it was during creation process lends more character to the finished product than overall safety of the new one.

Post automatically merged: Feb 27, 2025

I find it unironically very funny, it's a very campy movie in my opinion. I think the designs of the Goombas are ugly as hell though. I literally had nightmares after finishing the movie because of the Goombas' designs, I was underage when I watched it

To be fair, that also is "good" for antagonistic force. Our lens decades later is quite different when Nintendo has hard established the cuteness in everything Mario, Koopas Goombas it all. But back then, goombas were more abstract representation of an enemy that left their look outside the pixel art somewhat ambiguous. I think if ugly things are meant to look ugly, and they do look ugly, that is mission accomplished rather than failed.