A Mario Movie Review, and not the One You’re Thinking

Buckle up, this’ll be a (short) long one. We’ll be here for a while.

Can something be still said about the 1993 fever dream that was the Mario film? You’ve heard the jokes about how it randomly starts with… a Jurassic history lesson, yes really, you’ve heard the jokes about the two Italians not being played actual Italians, you heard the Mario Mario, the bob-omb-monkey, the implied incest (yes, really) and you also probably seen the goombas, if not, God help you. Heck, you’ve likely also seen the NC critic review that’s constantly being referenced here. It’s a good laugh, with all its crunchy low quality audio!

Actually forget about you, God help ME!​

“See you later, alligator!”
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I would say we’re off to a fantastic start, but I truly have no clue where to even start. The opening paragraph alone was re-written at least three times so I said SCREW IT and let’s see where the insanity takes us. Now I imagine most of you mentally blocked off 80% of the movie’s plot. So a recap wouldn’t hurt anyone (this is a blatant lie, the mere act of bringing this movie up is harmful as is).

Yes, this film does have a plot, to our dismay.​

Take my word here, this is the most normal looking image you’ll find of this creature.
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Contrary to popular belief, this movie unfortunately does indeed possess the concept of plot. Allegedly speaking anyways. Scientists worldwide did everything in their power to debunk this claim in order to seal the evil away but as they say, when you stare at the abyss, it stares right back. But here it’s more like and it stares and shouts awkwardly-delivered lines.

Tragic and unbelievable as it may be, the 1993 Super Mario Movie has some semblance of a coherent string of events. “Coherent” being the operative word here, as you’ll have a hard time processing any of them due to their unabashed insanity. And hey, don’t take my word for, Bob Hoskins himself dubbed this one of his acting career’s lowest points. And if that man could kick the arse of Doc Brown’s evil cartoon brother, I trust him with anything.

By the by, that image above is ACTUALLY the most normal looking image I could find. The others have him doing this:

Or this:



Or this:



Or whatever expression this is meant to be. Arousal? Constipation? Both?


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Ok, enough stalling​

Would you believe this was initially meant as a positive article? ​

We as a human specifies can be truly foolish at times. The existence of this movie as well as this very thinkpiece is proof enough of that. Absolutely no good ideas here to speak of. You mean to tell me this film is about Mario trying to seduce a lizard lady to get closer to bowser and stop him from his most diabolical plan, ordering a pizza?

What the heck was he even ordering here? And people apparently can’t stand Hawaiian, despite its deliciousness.
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Truth be told, I made some of that up. Sadly nothing else is made up, but I needed something to keep me going through the physical headaches. Believe me, that’s not a bit. The paragraph you are reading is being typed while having a headache that’s a result from trying to dissect the 1993 movie.

If reading all this starts to feel like a fever dream, then this gets points for authenticity, as I refuse to believe there’s any other valid way to review this film. The Critic was driven to madness, and so have I.

Oh yeah, that Bob-omb clip from earlier​

Did you know Dennis Hopper is a good actor?
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No seriously, did you know that Dennis Hopper is a phenomenal actor? You don’t know? While I would understand being skeptical after seeing the film, there’s a great argument to be made here. See, Dennis wasn’t acting. He was doing something, but it was most certainly not acting. In fact, made an oath to himself to not act in the Mario movie. And true to his words, not a single clip of his performance, if it can be even identified as that, could he called “acting”. It can be maybe called a scientific anomaly, a UFO sighting, perhaps doctored footage of the inside a psych-ward, but it was most certainly and indubitably, NOT acting. Just like how we need to call into question if this was a movie, or a supernatural incident.

Ah… review score?​

If you’ve been paying attention throughout the review, assuming you retained your cognitive functions after being exposed to the Goombas and Bowser scenes, this movie cannot be scored in a traditional sense. As a result, I refuse to do so.

See, you need to understand. This is not really a movie, you may have the impression that it is one, but this is more like a myth. Like the Loch Ness monster, or the Yeti, or Big Foot. Many of us claim have seen it, but none of us could prove we did. How do you even score something like that? To be completely frank, 120 minutes of writing a piece about the Mario Movie is 120 minutes too much. Hope you had a tremendous day and see you guys in Ramadan. Game on!

And… some housekeeping ?…​

Now it’s time for a small editorial note on this author’s part and talk about what’s been going on this past month. It’s easy to say not much, but that’s a frankly a lie. It’s quite tricky to go over since a good chunk of it is mundane life stuff, but I do wanna get back into drawing and writing fictional stories again. On top of that, I’ve picked myself where I left off with my interests in hip-hop. I’ve begun listening to Kendrick Lamar again, alongside YoungBoy, JID, Ye and so many others. I’m also really hyped about the release of McKinley Dixon’s new album. I’ve also been relistening to Suisei Hoshimachi, UTAU and SynthV again. Also, I’ve been REALLY addicted to this. Great listen!

Take care everyone!​

 

[SpectreOverflow]

I just watched this Mario movie last night and it was super enjoyable! It's quite possibly the best "worst" movie I've ever watched! My absolute favorite part was the scene when Mario was falling into the parallel dimension - I'm a huge sucker for absolutely terrible CGI so it was absolutely hilarious.
It's absolutely not a good Mario movie - it only very loosely abides by the source material - but if you ignore that, it's a silly and enjoyable time, especially if you're watching with friends of equal nerdiness xD