Top Three: Games I Couldn't Play If The World Depended On It

To Clarify, I'm Amazing At Everything Else​

There I was, navel-gazing and contemplating life on a weekend. Then I pulled out my phone, started a podcast, and turned on the television like a proper adult with a compromised attention span. Somewhere in the midst of all of this deep contemplation, I began to pay attention to the movie i had on. My imagination took over, and inserted me into the basic premise of the film...and then, my insecurities dreamed up the opposite.

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In 1984's The Last Starfighter, a young trailer park mechanic moonlighting as a moody teenager plays an arcade game obsessively, to drown out the constant love and support of his cute girlfriend. Sure, physical intimacy seems cool, but why bother when you could nab the new high score in STARFIGHTER, a blatant knock-off of Star Wars: The Arcade Game?

Dammit Maggie, there's no air in this relationship! I'm in the zone, and it only fits *one* person at a time.
​

With the love and support of a community he despises, our hero breaks every record, a god in his own time; straddling the world of electronic entertainment betwixt his conquering thighs. There's probably nothing resembling the internet in this unincorporated town, but we don't need that whiz-bang how-do-you-do to know our boy has become Earth's Mightiest Gamer, like The Hulk with calloused Game Boy thumbs.

After that, it's all pretty typical: the old hustler from The Music Man shows up to recruit the kid for space war, the arcade cabinet having been a secret test to find gamers/gunners skilled enough to ward off an alien armada. Sunrise, sunset, tale as old as time.

Stop me if you've heard this one before.
​

Watching this movie, I only had one thought: "I should watch better movies, why don't I love myself?"

If I could have more than one thought at a time though (and reader, I *don't*), I'd have asked myself: "What games would the aliens recruit my ass to play, and maybe save the galaxy?" Sure, if Emperor Ty'Ranik and his Cyber-Devils from the Horsehead Nebula can be deterred by the efficent routing that I learned from Monaco: What's Yours Is Mine, I could be their champion. Maybe what the universe really needs is some jackass who played a lot of Garou: Mark of the Wolves; whistling Rock's stage theme *really* annoys the Cyber-Devils.

Surprisingly, Children by Robert Miles had no effect on the invaders.
​

Most other games though? The Earth is Fu-

Starcraft​

I have an incredibly abusive relationship with Blizzards seminal real-time strategy masterpiece, Starcraft. On the one hand, it's an amazing pastiche of sci-fi cinema that earnestly tells it's own compelling story, with three playable factions existing in a state of harmonic game balance, despite an abundance of units with multiple uses and abilities. Everything from the base-building to the individual combat show a keen eye for tactical play, and even aesthetics and themes; the Terrans have mobile buildings that can re-locate at a moment's notice, the Protoss warp in pre-fab structures from the homeworld, and the Zerg are fleshy perverts spewing goop to and fro to mark their territory, like a teenager with the house to themselves.

Every few years I'll fire up the original game and play from the beginning of the solo campaign, starting with the Terrans on a doomed and dusty backwater planet. It's pulls me in each time, with the charming presentation, and the thrill of an early defense mission holding off a Zerg swarm, hoping against hope to survive till an evac shuttle arrives. For such a finicky genre of game, Starcraft comes off more exciting than tedious, with a fantastic soundtrack and voice acting giving the experience a polish you just didn't see back then. I grew up playing my mom's NES, but Starcraft, Diablo, and Fallout made PC games come alive for me. I *love* this game.

Tragically, it's also completely beyond me! I am pure heartbreak at competitive play in this, or any other RTS. Let me think about my turn, I'll play any strategy game you want. Hell, we can break out a clock if you don't want this chess game to drag. Yet, there's something about constant micro-decisions in Starcraft that short-circuits my brain, like airplane glue in the neighbors "fun-geon". (To be honest, it's not a very fun dungeon, but I've got all this glue and a well-ventilated house, I'm out of options.)

"Y'all do LAN parties? I've got my battlestation packed up in the Mazda."
​

If the aliens descend, having used Starcraft to sniff out a battlefield commander to lead their forces to glory, I'm telling them about South Korea and saving all our lives.

Guitar Hero​

Rhythm games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band brought the fun of karaoke with friends and lovers to video games. All the joy of being a jukebox hero and an air-guitar virtuoso, with the tactile feedback of fast-paced video game execution. Get your head straight, crack those knuckles, and breeze through "Psychobilly Freakout," verging on the high of a Tetris Effect-style flow state; like bagging groceries, or ritual sacrifice. You know, raw efficiency.

That's to say nothing of the music; everyone has their tastes, but my old man and uncle once got into a fist-fight at a gas station over a perceived slight about the drumming of Neil Pert. Suffice to say, I grew up with all of this shit, Black Sabbath to butt rock. I found my own interests with time, but I still re-watch Highlander (1986) to freak out to "Princes of the Universe."

​

Sadly, I'm about as talented at Guitar Hero as I am at strumming an *actual* guitar; I can wing the James Bond theme, but that took a very patient hour of my cousins time. It's a four finger problem; yes, I have five, but my brain doesn't remember that when a video game starts heating up. Crank up the difficulty on a rhythm game to anything beyond "Baby With Spoons" and you're about to hear a side of Misirlou you didn't want to know existed. When I play Shout At The Devil, you will be convinced that The Prince of Lies is punishing you for raising your voice.

If little green men ask me to be their Macross-style musical savior, I'm calling Tom Morello. Y'all can find my ass at the merch table.

Competitive Fighting Games​

From Karate Champ to Tekken 8, fighting games are the simplest for a layman to watch and see the skill on hand. Maybe you don't know the difference between blue and red parries, but everyone can see the reflexes required. When a great read with an anti-air stuffs a jump kick, you can tell a player has the measure of the opponent, taking advantage of their ingrained habits and mistakes. I watch EVO every year, even for the games I don't play, you're bound to see a dramatic comeback or incredible play regardless. It's like Nanna always told me, "Beat the brakes and transmission off a motherfucker, and I'm sitting my ass down to watch."

Actually playing fighting games has only gotten easier with time, with more robust networking and training options to learn the trade. Just right now you have Street Fighter 6 for the try-hard sweats, King of Fighters XV if you like fun and have a soul, Tekken 8 to play Kuma, Guilty Gear Strive if your waifu is Freddie Mercuy, and Mortal Kombat 1 if you're a punk bitch, playing the punk bitch game you deserve. I don't think it's ever been simpler to jump into a fighter, compared to the early 90's, when the older kids might have taken your quarters at the bowling alley for using cheap shit like "throws", and "other basic mechanics." (I'm not bitter.)

Now, I'm not the *worst.* I've put the time in, I'm certified on the equipment, I'm with the union. It's safe to say with anything resembling Street Fighter 2, I'm not getting took by a first-timer mashing buttons. (Tekken 3 Eddie Gordo notwithstanding.) The thing is, getting better at something like, say, Skullgirls or Garou: Mark of the Wolves, only helps you understand how unbelievably *fucking* talented the real killers are. Yes, anyone can do Evo Moment #37 with practice, but let them try that shit playing Justin Wong, live, with an audience. At every game I've sunk time into, I've mostly plateaued at the point where I can grasp what's happening in higher level play, but know I haven't got it in me to train the muscle memory or in-depth match-up knowledge to recreate what I'm seeing.

Should the worst come to pass, and E.T. needs a champ to drive a Real Steel-style mech in the ring with a Rancor wearing boxing gloves, I'll pass a link to Punk's Twitch and be the robot's Paulie.

What About You?​

So that's my glorified shower thought, replete with quips and the occasional explanation. If you were bored enough to read this far, have you considered wittling? For everyone allergic to trees though, maybe comment and let everyone know what game or genre you *wish* you were good at!

 

[Hikari.EXE]

Out of curiosity, of the Souls-likes you've played, which is your favorite/the best?

Lies of P

 

[Stookymalarkey]

A pretty relatable article

For me it's fighting games, because most people said it was easy…it's obviously not. Sure, maybe some "very easy" CPUs could at least let me win. But after I ramped it up a little to just "easy", there's NO WAY IN HELL I can just beat the first opponent without losing for at least 10 times. And that's just the first opponent mind you

Honestly "skill issue" best describes it, but what I don't like is how hard some of these inputs are. For example in Street Fighter games, I wanted to do a Hadouken but it keeps doing the same stupid SHORYUKEN even though I didn't want to. I wanted to love fighting games man, I really want to. But it keeps getting impossible for me to enjoy it, I just hope I can be better at it someday

Honestly, I found that the D-pad can also be a major factor in pulling the moves off well. A wobbly one can accidentally cause the wrong direction to be input and prevent doing the move you want. And you want a good d-pad, since using the sticks is even harder to pull off moves in my experience.

 

[DunkeyKong]

Honestly, I found that the D-pad can also be a major factor in pulling the moves off well. A wobbly one can accidentally cause the wrong direction to be input and prevent doing the move you want. And you want a good d-pad, since using the sticks is even harder to pull off moves in my experience.

Maybe that…however, my hands aren't just capable of actually pulling moves, d-pad or not. Also in my experience, playing it with an analog stick is actually easier for me (my fingers are just not fast enough), it depends I guess

 

[Hikari.EXE]

Honestly, I found that the D-pad can also be a major factor in pulling the moves off well. A wobbly one can accidentally cause the wrong direction to be input and prevent doing the move you want. And you want a good d-pad, since using the sticks is even harder to pull off moves in my experience.

I, for the love God, can't play FGs on a DualSense controller. It's so stiff!

 

[Octopus]

I for the love of me can't play FGs on a DualSense controller. It's so stiff!

100% this, absolutely. The analog stick is far too loose and the D-pad is far too wobbly. I've gotten used to the D-pad on it after awhile, but the analog stick is unusable in a fighting game. Really makes me miss the 360 controller analog stick; that thing was perfect, and was entirely what I used in my thousands of hours in SF4.

I wanted to love fighting games man, I really want to. But it keeps getting impossible for me to enjoy it, I just hope I can be better at it someday

Fighting games are a very hard genre to get into, even with ones designed to be easier for beginners. Even outside of special move inputs, a big part of the genre for most games is concepts that aren't easily explainable to people who have no prior knowledge because it's really some abstract stuff. Stuff like the levels of blocking in a standard back to block game, overheads, cross ups, option selects, what's a zoner and a rush down character. I was trying to explain what a 'mix up' is to someone IRL a week ago, and they just couldn't get it since they had no experience with any of the stuff I was talking about. "Well, after the command grab when you're in hard knockdown-" "what's a command grab? What the hell is a knockdown?" was how it went. You got to put the time in, basically, for fighting games to get good, and want to learn some complicated concepts that people already in the know take for granted.

Also, you HAVE to find the fighting game that you enjoy.

Also this 100%. If you just don't like the game, you're not going to be able to get into it. This extends to learning characters I'd say too, which is why my advice when someone asks about what character they should learn or whatever is to play the one you like the most for whatever reason, even if it's just because they look cool. You're more likely to stick with it if you think you're cool, you know?

 

[DunkeyKong]

100% this, absolutely. The analog stick is far too loose and the D-pad is far too wobbly. I've gotten used to the D-pad on it after awhile, but the analog stick is unusable in a fighting game. Really makes me miss the 360 controller analog stick; that thing was perfect, and was entirely what I used in my thousands of hours in SF4.


Fighting games are a very hard genre to get into, even with ones designed to be easier for beginners. Even outside of special move inputs, a big part of the genre for most games is concepts that aren't easily explainable to people who have no prior knowledge because it's really some abstract stuff. Stuff like the levels of blocking in a standard back to block game, overheads, cross ups, option selects, what's a zoner and a rush down character. I was trying to explain what a 'mix up' is to someone IRL a week ago, and they just couldn't get it since they had no experience with any of the stuff I was talking about. "Well, after the command grab when you're in hard knockdown-" "what's a command grab? What the hell is a knockdown?" was how it went. You got to put the time in, basically, for fighting games to get good, and want to learn some complicated concepts that people already in the know take for granted.

Yup, been there done that. I was quite the opposite (for a bit). But even with a phrase like "knowledge is power", it still doesn't help me unfortunately (even after watching those "fighting game essay")

And yes, I've already tried the good old "take your time" method but again, nothing's really changed. It feels like I actually have to be lucky to win rather than winning with skills, but that can be said for the other games I've played (even though I enjoyed them much more)

It's weird though, since the fighting genre is one of the first genre I've played in the arcades (Street Fighter 4 especially). It's hard really, but that's just me

 

[cjl8336]

I got extra good using a keyboard on a few fighting games - in SF3 it was much easier parrying with keyboard taps, but purists will demand your skill with sticks

 

[DanCalibur]

I have a huge respect for players of competitive games, that level of perception and reaction is simply beyond me.

 

[shinobimerc]

I suck and get quickly bored at everything that requires precisely choreographed memorization and timing: guitar hero, rhythm games in general, mortal kombat 3 combos, old mega man games platforming, vagrant story fighting patterns, etc

 

[Skellerick]

Man, I won more fights in martial arts tournaments than playing at the local arcade

 

[The Missing Link]

Im just bad at FPS and most completive online games...

 

[DunkeyKong]

Man, I won more fights in martial arts tournaments than playing at the local arcade

CRAZY FLEX

 

[Skellerick]

CRAZY FLEX

Not that much considering how much my ass got whooped at the arcade hahahah

 

[DunkeyKong]

Not that much considering how much my ass got whooped at the arcade hahahah

Lmao, that's normal though

 

[kanesha]

Yet, there's something about constant micro-decisions in Starcraft that short-circuits my brain

*makes dozen high templat to prepare for zerg onslaught*
aint there no zerg army that can beat dozen high templar, i watch pro play, no way
*first tiny squad of zerg arrive*
*misclick storm and kill my entire stupid clump of templar*
10/10 will massacre own army again

Your mind constantly racing and stumbling and falling off a cliff and breaking every bone in its body is the whole point, that's how ever match goes and you just hope that your opponet has been through the same hell except they also got run over by a bulldozer. If you watch pro (or near pro) players' streams they also often make embarassing mistakes (like targeting their own units or forgeting an important tech research), it's a game about who'd going to make less mistakes under immense mental strain, just gotta embrace the chaos and enjoy the spectacle.

 

[Graves Ruinwalker]

Dark Souls and its ilk. People say that the require skill but I think it's mainly learning to deal with the dev's unbalanced gameplay, ridiculous hit-boxes and purposely bizarre control scheme. I've tried several and they've all been exercises in utter frustration to me.

On my viewpoint , im rather get bored by the Souls games altogether and i adore dark fantasy but the Souls games just never scratches any itch for me .

Its not really hard because Enemy placement is the key of the difficulty and their attack patterns ,
the combat is methodical but can be very tedious till you overpower them and it gets boring ,
the maze like structure is cool and dangerous at first but its build too much like a metroidvania which never really feels truly open overall and the traps are easy spotted when you know the gist of their level design ( thats my subjective nitpick ) .

 

[xman8245]

I got extra good using a keyboard on a few fighting games - in SF3 it was much easier parrying with keyboard taps, but purists will demand your skill with sticks

The truth. fighting games are keyboard bait, you don't even need a stick.