Top Three: Games I Couldn't Play If The World Depended On It

To Clarify, I'm Amazing At Everything Else​

There I was, navel-gazing and contemplating life on a weekend. Then I pulled out my phone, started a podcast, and turned on the television like a proper adult with a compromised attention span. Somewhere in the midst of all of this deep contemplation, I began to pay attention to the movie i had on. My imagination took over, and inserted me into the basic premise of the film...and then, my insecurities dreamed up the opposite.

---

In 1984's The Last Starfighter, a young trailer park mechanic moonlighting as a moody teenager plays an arcade game obsessively, to drown out the constant love and support of his cute girlfriend. Sure, physical intimacy seems cool, but why bother when you could nab the new high score in STARFIGHTER, a blatant knock-off of Star Wars: The Arcade Game?

Dammit Maggie, there's no air in this relationship! I'm in the zone, and it only fits *one* person at a time.
​

With the love and support of a community he despises, our hero breaks every record, a god in his own time; straddling the world of electronic entertainment betwixt his conquering thighs. There's probably nothing resembling the internet in this unincorporated town, but we don't need that whiz-bang how-do-you-do to know our boy has become Earth's Mightiest Gamer, like The Hulk with calloused Game Boy thumbs.

After that, it's all pretty typical: the old hustler from The Music Man shows up to recruit the kid for space war, the arcade cabinet having been a secret test to find gamers/gunners skilled enough to ward off an alien armada. Sunrise, sunset, tale as old as time.

Stop me if you've heard this one before.
​

Watching this movie, I only had one thought: "I should watch better movies, why don't I love myself?"

If I could have more than one thought at a time though (and reader, I *don't*), I'd have asked myself: "What games would the aliens recruit my ass to play, and maybe save the galaxy?" Sure, if Emperor Ty'Ranik and his Cyber-Devils from the Horsehead Nebula can be deterred by the efficent routing that I learned from Monaco: What's Yours Is Mine, I could be their champion. Maybe what the universe really needs is some jackass who played a lot of Garou: Mark of the Wolves; whistling Rock's stage theme *really* annoys the Cyber-Devils.

Surprisingly, Children by Robert Miles had no effect on the invaders.
​

Most other games though? The Earth is Fu-

Starcraft​

I have an incredibly abusive relationship with Blizzards seminal real-time strategy masterpiece, Starcraft. On the one hand, it's an amazing pastiche of sci-fi cinema that earnestly tells it's own compelling story, with three playable factions existing in a state of harmonic game balance, despite an abundance of units with multiple uses and abilities. Everything from the base-building to the individual combat show a keen eye for tactical play, and even aesthetics and themes; the Terrans have mobile buildings that can re-locate at a moment's notice, the Protoss warp in pre-fab structures from the homeworld, and the Zerg are fleshy perverts spewing goop to and fro to mark their territory, like a teenager with the house to themselves.

Every few years I'll fire up the original game and play from the beginning of the solo campaign, starting with the Terrans on a doomed and dusty backwater planet. It's pulls me in each time, with the charming presentation, and the thrill of an early defense mission holding off a Zerg swarm, hoping against hope to survive till an evac shuttle arrives. For such a finicky genre of game, Starcraft comes off more exciting than tedious, with a fantastic soundtrack and voice acting giving the experience a polish you just didn't see back then. I grew up playing my mom's NES, but Starcraft, Diablo, and Fallout made PC games come alive for me. I *love* this game.

Tragically, it's also completely beyond me! I am pure heartbreak at competitive play in this, or any other RTS. Let me think about my turn, I'll play any strategy game you want. Hell, we can break out a clock if you don't want this chess game to drag. Yet, there's something about constant micro-decisions in Starcraft that short-circuits my brain, like airplane glue in the neighbors "fun-geon". (To be honest, it's not a very fun dungeon, but I've got all this glue and a well-ventilated house, I'm out of options.)

"Y'all do LAN parties? I've got my battlestation packed up in the Mazda."
​

If the aliens descend, having used Starcraft to sniff out a battlefield commander to lead their forces to glory, I'm telling them about South Korea and saving all our lives.

Guitar Hero​

Rhythm games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band brought the fun of karaoke with friends and lovers to video games. All the joy of being a jukebox hero and an air-guitar virtuoso, with the tactile feedback of fast-paced video game execution. Get your head straight, crack those knuckles, and breeze through "Psychobilly Freakout," verging on the high of a Tetris Effect-style flow state; like bagging groceries, or ritual sacrifice. You know, raw efficiency.

That's to say nothing of the music; everyone has their tastes, but my old man and uncle once got into a fist-fight at a gas station over a perceived slight about the drumming of Neil Pert. Suffice to say, I grew up with all of this shit, Black Sabbath to butt rock. I found my own interests with time, but I still re-watch Highlander (1986) to freak out to "Princes of the Universe."

​

Sadly, I'm about as talented at Guitar Hero as I am at strumming an *actual* guitar; I can wing the James Bond theme, but that took a very patient hour of my cousins time. It's a four finger problem; yes, I have five, but my brain doesn't remember that when a video game starts heating up. Crank up the difficulty on a rhythm game to anything beyond "Baby With Spoons" and you're about to hear a side of Misirlou you didn't want to know existed. When I play Shout At The Devil, you will be convinced that The Prince of Lies is punishing you for raising your voice.

If little green men ask me to be their Macross-style musical savior, I'm calling Tom Morello. Y'all can find my ass at the merch table.

Competitive Fighting Games​

From Karate Champ to Tekken 8, fighting games are the simplest for a layman to watch and see the skill on hand. Maybe you don't know the difference between blue and red parries, but everyone can see the reflexes required. When a great read with an anti-air stuffs a jump kick, you can tell a player has the measure of the opponent, taking advantage of their ingrained habits and mistakes. I watch EVO every year, even for the games I don't play, you're bound to see a dramatic comeback or incredible play regardless. It's like Nanna always told me, "Beat the brakes and transmission off a motherfucker, and I'm sitting my ass down to watch."

Actually playing fighting games has only gotten easier with time, with more robust networking and training options to learn the trade. Just right now you have Street Fighter 6 for the try-hard sweats, King of Fighters XV if you like fun and have a soul, Tekken 8 to play Kuma, Guilty Gear Strive if your waifu is Freddie Mercuy, and Mortal Kombat 1 if you're a punk bitch, playing the punk bitch game you deserve. I don't think it's ever been simpler to jump into a fighter, compared to the early 90's, when the older kids might have taken your quarters at the bowling alley for using cheap shit like "throws", and "other basic mechanics." (I'm not bitter.)

Now, I'm not the *worst.* I've put the time in, I'm certified on the equipment, I'm with the union. It's safe to say with anything resembling Street Fighter 2, I'm not getting took by a first-timer mashing buttons. (Tekken 3 Eddie Gordo notwithstanding.) The thing is, getting better at something like, say, Skullgirls or Garou: Mark of the Wolves, only helps you understand how unbelievably *fucking* talented the real killers are. Yes, anyone can do Evo Moment #37 with practice, but let them try that shit playing Justin Wong, live, with an audience. At every game I've sunk time into, I've mostly plateaued at the point where I can grasp what's happening in higher level play, but know I haven't got it in me to train the muscle memory or in-depth match-up knowledge to recreate what I'm seeing.

Should the worst come to pass, and E.T. needs a champ to drive a Real Steel-style mech in the ring with a Rancor wearing boxing gloves, I'll pass a link to Punk's Twitch and be the robot's Paulie.

What About You?​

So that's my glorified shower thought, replete with quips and the occasional explanation. If you were bored enough to read this far, have you considered wittling? For everyone allergic to trees though, maybe comment and let everyone know what game or genre you *wish* you were good at!

 

[Waffles]

I'm amazed that we both broke free of our writer's blocks at the same time ;D

I loved this, Laddie!

 

[Strategist]

I feel you on those 3 genres. I used to play Warcraft 3 and Starcraft a lot back in the day and could beat the campaigns. I thought myself pretty leet until I tried to play online. It was a rude awakening.

I've never been too good at fighting games but I haven't tried too hard to skill up. I usually get beat up by my friends.

I don't have the skill to play instruments at a competent level. I took guitar lessons as a kid, but it didn't stick. But I can do decently well at Rock Band, just not at the hardest difficulty. Can't play the drums for shit, however. I have two left feet and no concept of rhythm.

Another genre that I wished I was better at is FPS. I wasn't too hot at the competitive level of Halo 2, Team Fortress 2 or Quake Arena.

 

[Stingy Perry]

Great article, totally relatable in my case.

 

[Octopus]

I exactly know your experience with StarCraft. Are we the same person? Love the aesthetic and vibe and storyline, but I suck at playing the game. I can't do micromanaging at all so the genre is just not for me, I guess.

Weirdly enough, I've played guitar for maybe 18 years now but I actually suck at Guitar Hero/Rock Band. I think it's a muscle memory thing. I keep reflexively going to move up and down the neck like an actual guitar, and only hitting and having to keep on the same row of 5 buttons on guitar controller actually messes me up.

Post automatically merged: Jan 27, 2025

I used to play Warcraft 3 and Starcraft a lot back in the day and could beat the campaigns. I thought myself pretty leet until I tried to play online. It was a rude awakening

Same, I'd usually 'poweroverwhelming' to beat most of the missions though in StarCraft. When StarCraft 2 came out, I was like "oh yeah, I'm going to get good and start getting into Diamond League of whatever" then I lost every placement match and never played again.

 

[Strategist]

I exactly know your experience with StarCraft. Are we the same person? Love the aesthetic and vibe and storyline, but I suck at playing the game. I can't do micromanaging at all so the genre is just not for me, I guess.

Weirdly enough, I've played guitar for maybe 18 years now but I actually suck at Guitar Hero/Rock Band. I think it's a muscle memory thing. I keep reflexively going to move up and down the neck like an actual guitar, and only hitting and having to keep on the same row of 5 buttons on guitar controller actually messes me up.

Post automatically merged: Jan 27, 2025

Same, I'd usually 'poweroverwhelming' to beat most of the missions though in StarCraft. When StarCraft 2 came out, I was like "oh yeah, I'm going to get good and start getting into Diamond League of whatever" then I lost every placement match and never played again.

I only used power overwhelming for the later maps in Brood War. Some of them were absolute bull doo doo. But I was pretty good at Warcraft 3. Beat all of the regular campaign and frozen throne. I could even win a couple of matches online and did ok at defense of the ancients against friends.

 

[Hikari.EXE]

Can relate to only the RTS aspect of the article, since I hate micromanaging resources in a large scale field (I guess accountants exist for a reason), but for the rest I never had any issue.
I used to play Guitar Hero with my dad back in the day, and soon after my parents decided to enroll me in some drumming classes since I had interest in the instrument, I did those classes for 6-7 years straight. And for fighting games, I used to play almost daily with a friend who soon after went semi-professional and won a few local tornaments, so I'll say I can hold my own against most players in the RGT (I think).
I guess another genre that I wish I was better at was FPSs since I always sucked at CoD, people say it's because I play on controller, but the controller is the only thing I know how to play with! And maybe Card Games, I know it all revolves around luck and deck bulding, but even in games like poker I tend to have terrible luck or bad guesses, leaving me with the biggest frown for the rest of the game.

 

[Octopus]

And maybe Card Games

I'm terrible at card games. A huge amount of my friends are really into Magic but I've never enjoyed it.

I wish I was better at 4X strategy games like Civilization. I really like the concept, but I don't have that level of foresight or attention span I think and have never been able to play them. I'm better at more immediate strategy rather than long term stuff.

 

[Hikari.EXE]

I wish I was better at 4X strategy games like Civilization.

Man I love Endless Space 2, but never played the multiplayer since I don't have anyone to play with, really wished I could tho.

 

[Strategist]

I used to play a lot of Magic The Gathering and Hearthstone. Would reach mythic with regularity on MTG Arena (not that it is particularly hard, just an exercise in patience and knowing the matchups)

 

[ATenderLad]

I'm amazed that we both broke free of our writer's blocks at the same time ;D

I loved this, Laddie!

Thanks, Breakfast King! I saw you posted, Yousef, Octopus *twice*, felt pretty motivated to get something under the wire for the weekend. Now that it's out of my brain I can actually read everyone else's stuff!

I feel you on those 3 genres. I used to play Warcraft 3 and Starcraft a lot back in the day and could beat the campaigns. I thought myself pretty leet until I tried to play online. It was a rude awakening.

I've never been too good at fighting games but I haven't tried too hard to skill up. I usually get beat up by my friends.

I don't have the skill to play instruments at a competent level. I took guitar lessons as a kid, but it didn't stick. But I can do decently well at Rock Band, just not at the hardest difficulty. Can't play the drums for shit, however. I have two left feet and no concept of rhythm.

Another genre that I wished I was better at is FPS. I wasn't too hot at the competitive level of Halo 2, Team Fortress 2 or Quake Arena.

So this actually started as a top ten, then got whittled to top five, then three. FPS games were about 6th place, but I was kinda forcing it...I'm actually pretty decent, adult life just hasn't allowed for a regular team to play with in ages.

(Online Starcraft matches were terrifying.)

I exactly know your experience with StarCraft. Are we the same person? Love the aesthetic and vibe and storyline, but I suck at playing the game. I can't do micromanaging at all so the genre is just not for me, I guess.

Weirdly enough, I've played guitar for maybe 18 years now but I actually suck at Guitar Hero/Rock Band. I think it's a muscle memory thing. I keep reflexively going to move up and down the neck like an actual guitar, and only hitting and having to keep on the same row of 5 buttons on guitar controller actually messes me up.

Post automatically merged: Jan 27, 2025

Same, I'd usually 'poweroverwhelming' to beat most of the missions though in StarCraft. When StarCraft 2 came out, I was like "oh yeah, I'm going to get good and start getting into Diamond League of whatever" then I lost every placement match and never played again.

Oh shit, *are* we the same person, is this a tethered situation? I wear a lot of red jumpsuits, I must be the creepy one.

I imagine breaking out an actual guitar next to someone flexing at Guitar Hero is a real power move, you're in a good place.

Can relate to only the RTS aspect of the article, since I hate micromanaging resources in a large scale field (I guess accountants exist for a reason), but for the rest I never had any issue.
I used to play Guitar Hero with my dad back in the day, and soon after my parents decided to enroll me in some drumming classes since I had interest in the instrument, I did those classes for 6-7 years straight. And for fighting games, I used to play almost daily with a friend who soon after went semi-professional and won a few local tornaments, so I'll say I can hold my own against most players in the RGT (I think).
I guess another genre that I wish I was better at was FPSs since I always sucked at CoD, people say it's because I play on controller, but the controller is the only thing I know how to play with! And maybe Card Games, I know it all revolves around luck and deck bulding, but even in games like poker I tend to have terrible luck or bad guesses, leaving me with the biggest frown for the rest of the game.

I'm thinking this whole article should have been about Starcraft, seems like everyone relates! Funny enough, you and me are the opposite otherwise; I'm trash with instruments, lukewarm at fighting games, but my early retail job days made a CoD killer, and I've been playing poker/Magic the Gathering basically my whole life.

I'm terrible at card games. A huge amount of my friends are really into Magic but I've never enjoyed it.

I wish I was better at 4X strategy games like Civilization. I really like the concept, but I don't have that level of foresight or attention span I think and have never been able to play them. I'm better at more immediate strategy rather than long term stuff.

Civilization was number 4 on the original top ten list I was writing, I love the *idea* of 4X/grand strategy more than the actual monotonous play.

I used to play a lot of Magic The Gathering and Hearthstone. Would reach mythic with regularity on MTG Arena (not that it is particularly hard, just an exercise in patience and knowing the matchups)

Love that, I was a regular fixture at Friday Night Magic (twenty years ago), I tried to get back into it recently but the prices have gone fuuuuuucking crazy. Better off playing kitchen table with proxies, practically!

Thanks for reading y'all!


Edit: Ah dammit, I finally noticed how bad the cover image looks on the Articles page. 16x9 or 4x3 from here on out.

 

[Strategist]

Love that, I was a regular fixture at Friday Night Magic (twenty years ago), I tried to get back into it recently but the prices have gone fuuuuuucking crazy. Better off playing kitchen table with proxies, practically!

Thanks for reading y'all!

Nice, If you ever get the itch to play again online, hit me up.

 

[Ícaro Oliveira Santos]

I'm not a big fan of real-time strategy games either, the only ones I really like are the Pikmin series and the Ogre Battle series.

 

[Stookymalarkey]

Dark Souls and its ilk. People say that the require skill but I think it's mainly learning to deal with the dev's unbalanced gameplay, ridiculous hit-boxes and purposely bizarre control scheme. I've tried several and they've all been exercises in utter frustration to me.

 

[Strategist]

Dark Souls and its ilk. People say that the require skill but I think it's mainly learning to deal with the dev's unbalanced gameplay, ridiculous hit-boxes and purposely bizarre control scheme. I've tried several and they've all been exercises in utter frustration to me.

It's just trial and error, with a heavy emphasis on the error.

 

[Yousef]

Hell yeah dude let it rip
Maybe i should get back to writing that Valk Revo rant

 

[ATenderLad]

I'm not a big fan of real-time strategy games either, the only ones I really like are the Pikmin series and the Ogre Battle series.

Same here. I was excited for this attempt to simplify them Pocketwatch Games called Tooth and Tail, but it didn't live up to the idea.

Dark Souls and its ilk. People say that the require skill but I think it's mainly learning to deal with the dev's unbalanced gameplay, ridiculous hit-boxes and purposely bizarre control scheme. I've tried several and they've all been exercises in utter frustration to me.

Dark Souls/Elden Ring was number 7 on the original top ten. I know a lot of people who like them, and I value these folks opinions, but I can't stop bouncing off of these games. Even Bloodborne, and everyone told me that would make a believer out of me.

It's just trial and error, with a heavy emphasis on the error.

HEAVY, heavy emphasis. I can roll with that usually, but for me I get hung up on the character building. Stat allocations are so minor a change that I can't ever tell if I'm making good decisions or not, I feel frustrated trying to progress.

Compare that to, say, Hades, where every new upgrade per room has a clear effect, and I've played probably 100+ hours of both the first and second games. I love transparency and clearly communicated information SO MUCH.

 

[ATenderLad]

Hell yeah dude let it rip
Maybe i should get back to writing that Valk Revo rant

Hell yeah you should.

Edit: Shit, I thought these merged, didn't mean to doublepost.

 

[Strategist]

Same here. I was excited for this attempt to simplify them Pocketwatch Games called Tooth and Tail, but it didn't live up to the idea.

Dark Souls/Elden Ring was number 7 on the original top ten. I know a lot of people who like them, and I value these folks opinions, but I can't stop bouncing off of these games. Even Bloodborne, and everyone told me that would make a believer out of me.

HEAVY, heavy emphasis. I can roll with that usually, but for me I get hung up on the character building. Stat allocations are so minor a change that I can't ever tell if I'm making good decisions or not, I feel frustrated trying to progress.

Compare that to, say, Hades, where every new upgrade per room has a clear effect, and I've played probably 100+ hours of both the first and second games. I love transparency and clearly communicated information SO MUCH.

If you are having a hard time in Souls games, just spec in magic. Usually magic is powerful and versatile enough to get you through any encounter.

I also expect to die at least 4 times in every boss encounter before I figure out the pattern.

 

[ATenderLad]

If you are having a hard time in Souls games, just spec in magic. Usually magic is powerful and versatile enough to get you through any encounter.

That's what I did in Elden Ring, eventually. I went the opposite to start but every dungeon seemed to have a magic reward I couldn't use, figured I was missing out. I think I left off needing to go kill a Fire Giant...honestly once I got up to that upper continent, after all the time it took getting there, I deflated and never came back. It's on the back burner, at least.

Out of curiosity, of the Souls-likes you've played, which is your favorite/the best?

 

[Yousef]

Souls discussion? My time to shine.

To reiterate what Strategist said, Souls isn’t that hard to get into.

As a matter of fact, I’ve this mental trick for you. If you follow it, I GUARANTEE souls will click for you like it did for me.

First of all, start with a “weird” one. Like Demon, Dark Souls 1 or Dark Souls 2. The others being so fine-tuned ironically makes them more difficult to artistically appreciate. There’s actually a lot to be said about how Souls’ charms comes from its series-centric quirks rather than superficial tryhard bullshit crap gamers from 2011 tried to paint it as.

Souls is one of the most relaxing series for me, all three games and and demon are masterpieces for their own unique reasons. Even DS3 has its oddities. The atmosphere is something to truly marble at. Ambience in modern gaming remains truly tough to capture.

But that’s not the mental trick I meant. That’s just the intro. The trick is to play Souls like a character builder, with the intention of going for a build rather than beating bosses.

Just my 2 fils.

Post automatically merged: Jan 27, 2025

Another way id describe it is just don’t play it trying to beat it.
Weird tip but trust me. Worked for me.

 

[Strategist]

That's what I did in Elden Ring, eventually. I went the opposite to start but every dungeon seemed to have a magic reward I couldn't use, figured I was missing out. I think I left off needing to go kill a Fire Giant...honestly once I got up to that upper continent, after all the time it took getting there, I deflated and never came back. It's on the back burner, at least.

Out of curiosity, of the Souls-likes you've played, which is your favorite/the best?

I've played Demon Souls, Dark Souls 1 and Dark Souls 2. Its a tie between Demon Souls and Dark Souls 1 for me.

 

[DunkeyKong]

A pretty relatable article

For me it's fighting games, because most people said it was easy…it's obviously not. Sure, maybe some "very easy" CPUs could at least let me win. But after I ramped it up a little to just "easy", there's NO WAY IN HELL I can just beat the first opponent without losing for at least 10 times. And that's just the first opponent mind you

Honestly "skill issue" best describes it, but what I don't like is how hard some of these inputs are. For example in Street Fighter games, I wanted to do a Hadouken but it keeps doing the same stupid SHORYUKEN even though I didn't want to. I wanted to love fighting games man, I really want to. But it keeps getting impossible for me to enjoy it, I just hope I can be better at it someday

 

[Aziamuth]

I disagree on fighting games. I was just like you at first, but the thing about fighting games is that it's an skill that you have to develop. Think of real life martial arts: you're not doing a judo throw the first day, but with time you'll get there. Well, it's the same with fighting games: you just have to put the time to get to the level of skill that allows you to enjoy the genere. Also, you HAVE to find the fighting game that you enjoy. You are not needed to play and enjoy every single fighting game, it's unrealistic.

The good news is that fighting games nowadays are objectively easier and also take less time to learn because you're give much more in-game resources to speed up the process.

 

[DunkeyKong]

I disagree on fighting games. I was just like you at first, but the thing about fighting games is that it's an skill that you have to develop. Think of real life martial arts: you're not doing a judo throw the first day, but with time you'll get there. Well, it's the same with fighting games: you just have to put the time to get to the level of skill that allows you to enjoy the genere. Also, you HAVE to find the fighting game that you enjoy. You are not needed to play and enjoy every single fighting game, it's unrealistic.

The good news is that fighting games nowadays are objectively easier and also take less time to learn because you're give much more in-game resources to speed up the process.

Yes that's true, but honestly I'm just terrible at it if you ask me. No matter how easy they made it, I'll always lose again in some way (even to one of the easiest opponents)

Again, that's true. But after countless tries in Street Fighter 2 and Alpha, I don't think I can do it. Good advice though