I uhh.... do I even need to say anything? I exist lol by now I'd figure some have reached maybe even just a subconscious-stirred fraction of a conclusion that I am an embodiment of irreverence. yes I more than fully understand it can be obnoxious n overextended of one's presence to semi-aggressively do the cLass-cLown court jester routine, I guess I should provide a lil insight to try to dispel any notions of me having an agenda of tryin to mess the vibe up or stop the vinyL record from playin pullin the needle off it cold (everyone knows that sound).... so here it is:
I retreat into jokeysmurfLand quite a bit cuz - increasingly so anymore - I tend to get too wound up about the state of many things (not just the world of today - past eras - even eras before my time maybe - or even just within pure artistic contexts or imaginary universes comprised of accumulative lore)... my racing thoughts traffic cLusterPHvQ has too much emotion n grief crashing into it n I fight back with my grandiose silliness creative buLLshit to try to lighten the goddamn'd load. then after being mr. bold ass super duper hyper guy my depression cycLe makes me eat the exaggerated guilt n regret of puttin mehself out there like that (today is a case-in-point good example) n leaves me not knowing what to think or feeL n 2nd-guessing myself to death then things get surreaL n I feel numb feeling like a wandering ghost even while talkin to local IRL friends n neighbors with even awesome memories haunting me in some negative way that makes absolutely no fuckin sense but clinical depression isn't about making sense. it's about pain for pain's own sake. ok ok veering away from heavy talk - I apologize, I'm not lookin for sympathy or even empathy so much (though reactions both positive or negative are welcome) - this was just some insight so I hopefully am *less* misunderstood as I do these crazy, outgoing things. I have not much to prove in a few senses but I'm over-ambitious so I guess maybe that's total buLLshit xD
my quirks are actuaLLy uhm.... well, I guess my personality is 'loud' (not sure about good, but LouD fuhSherr) enough to where it's hard to gauge where 'normal' behaviors end n quirkositee begins. for the record, although the depression unearths old insecurities in pure counter-productive neo-destructive fashion (I always thrown in the prefix 'neo-' for little to no legit reason xD ) - I stand behind my at-times excessive weird jokes or controversial statements (to a tempered extent, I truly don't want to make anyone legitimately uncomfortable. I've been in such horrifyingly painful, mindfucking situations of paranoid discomfort or intolerably abrasive emotional discomfort n despair - I don't wish anything negative upon even ppl I at-times borderline-hate n if I say anything to the contrary I am just venting) - but yea I'm fearless n in my teens I would think fearlessness is great but I see deep caveats at times to swinging the pendulum the other way like that - n then suddenly instead of having a true DGAF about what anyone thinks bein cooL or something to covet... then the loneliness I will always feel inside from bein pushed into the dark realms of bein unique at the bottom of the proverbial ocean - risks gettin mirrored in the outside world by - and justified too, in some cases - alienation. instilling fear or repulsion in others when that's not my fuckin goal or intention at aLL.
ughh sorry. I don't do the 'erase then retype then erase' thing cuz it feels spineless to do so n I already went through a phase of that for a few years before. for better or worse I put meh shit out there. if it destroys me or fucks shit up somewhere then oh weLL. I ain't tryin to push anyone's buttons but you can never quite know how other ppl wiLL react to stuff at any given time. I just want to continue to do things with conviction, compassion, n make stuff more interesting n promote understanding n acceptance !!^_^!! <-- n ye olde animeh emoticons with dreadlocks. RGT rockxS, etc. but I mean that - this forum community is superb, sublime. outstanding. we aLL should have a LARP picnic n play board games with missing pieces xD
<3 I'm 45 n stiLL catch mehself doin 4 yr old shit like hangin spoons off my nose. I eat a bowL of cereal every morning n when the bowl is down to 1/3rd of its OG content I tip the bowl n beer bong-shotgun the cereal n milk, sometimes I throw choc or strawberry syrup into the mix on certain cereals. I create new imaginary words everyday - mostly for my 2 tiny doggies to enjoy hearing n seein the beautifuL LoveyLook on their cutie faces. I barely speak any legit English to them anymore, it's aLL woofyworld words for their badass lil microcosm that immensely helps keeps me sane on the regular.
yeezus khrist wut a ramble o _ O prnz don't do eeTZ
so there you have it. I exist n random outta controL shit happens. don't h8 the play0R h8 the game. h8 Total Recall for NES xD