this hits home like crazy. I'm an older gamer who was messin with Texas Instruments (TI99-4a) n Commodore 64 in '83/'84 as the big crash happened (which somehow, I wasn't aware of until reading about it in the 90's) - I sampled Atari 2600 at a couple friends' house... had some enjoyment but the lack of depth n robotically-charming-but-still-toilet-graphx (though also no oft-ridiculous load times was a good thing) kinda left me wantin to go home n throw on a text adventure or RPG... I did hit the arcades like a madman (with a similar fervor as hittin the comic book stores - the 60's/70's comics I developed a lot of vocabulary from)
then NES came along, n since a few friends had it I decided to go with SMS. I regret a lil bit not continuing on with Commodore to its Amiga platform but the 8-bit n 16-bit console fever hit us like a tornado... always grabbed Sega stuff (havin a Sega CD was expensive but felt great to have in this otherworldy-way) first but was lucky enough to grab the Big N's consoles as well. but I grabbed a crap PC with 1200 baud modem (lol had 14.4 soon enough but... wow that thing was lethargic n already archaic). went on multi-com n other BBS' but soon got sick of ppl I couldn't relate to. when I put the Windows 3.11 sp 2 I discovered something that blew my mind - NES emulation (in DOS, courtesy Nesticle)
my reactions to 32-bit n on and the evolution of emus as it pertains to my life n the B&E that took my console collection magic away n then hard-drive crash outta nowhere - is a long n complicated story so I'll save that for another post - n get off this overlong preface n go into the topic.
fast-fwd a bit - for years I didn't have a lot of money to play with having rent, food, utilities n self-medicating party stuff (as I didn't have health-care n had/have increasingly severe disorders) draining me financially so I stuck with emulation, M.U.G.E.N. (informally learned programming in C from it), and the very few PC games I had. I would basically stick with a similar routine everyday gaming-wise when not composing/arranging music. then hit the bottle n baggies - hung with the longtime 'real' friends but got stuck with fairweather 'drug friends' more often than the semi-stable circle of true friends that I am close buddies with to this very day. got health-care, then went to rehab n started on adderall, buproprion, risperdal, klonopin (later replaced by pregabalin). I had used ritalin from age 7 until age 12 where I just didn't want it anymore (for some reason I can't quite recall clearly)
ok, sorry bout that n if you're skimreading then you should probably skip to here. I got on legal/SSI disability n luckily I was even given the backpay dating back to 2011 when I first attempted to get it n got turned down... gfs in Vegas were draining a chunk of money then I moved to Albuquerque n had a gf right away here but soon... my MS n tardive dyskinesia started discouraging the social elements n so I now had tons of free time n extra money to amass a much more robust collection of games on Steam n had a huge inventory of ROMs n ISOs. an issue started creeping in - a powerful, virtual wall of indecision. even medicated I had a problem where I would sample games n then save & quit or just quit or wutevR. as if the games were a mere novelty - bells n whistles of catchin up with the consoles I missed or indulging nostalgia firing up games from back in the day. this began to bother me n yes a growing guilt was definitely a part of this plaguing self-imposed-but-uncontrollable nightmare. it started to depress n piss me off in tandem n tried to remind myself this shit is just leisure n to chill on the autistic perfectionism. after comin back from the hospital after a dystonia episode less than a year ago - I started experiencing a seizing anxiety - partly over the under-utilization of gaming experiences n a horrible proclivity towards cold objectivity. even backing off from games to embrace my other passions (such as obv, music) wouldn't take away this everpresent pressure to play games instead of letting them 'collect dust' I suppose in a digital sense equivalent.
sorry bout the long read, but I am the eye of this weird storm even as I type this. I often invent stuff to narrow choices n have a fun goal n limit the scope of gaming choices such as 'franchise attack!' or 'game genre binge!' n even got a new spiffy set of tabletop-RPG dice to help get past indecision. no matter how much I try to remind myself that these games are meant to create or enhance a good time, n you can only do so much blah blah etc. but gaming is a passion that won't die off so easily...
...and so I'm still fighting with my own mind (over not just gaming, to be clear) n somedays everything just flows n I play stuff on PC and/or SteamDeck n have an inspired, eclectic semi-binge. these days are far more the exception than the rule, however. some days I feel like I'm headin for a nervous breakdown over this shit. close friends are having similar issues on a much smaller scale, but enough to finally understand my ridiculous-sounding dilemma. sometimes I just pace the floor hoping to go sit down n lock into something but it can be like... tryin to put 2 magnets against each other. or facing 2 mirrors against each other as a way to explain the paradoxical brain-twisting confusion...
all I can say is hang in there n fight. doctors have provided me with 3 types of painpills to deal with my body from my neck to the bottom of my spine tryin to crush itself n the involuntary movements... such as my right hand being erroneous n unresponsive or accidentally headbutting things (one time I broke the glass of a painting on the wall from it hehe)- n it's still barely enough but I am more grateful, in some ways, than ever - giving me that extra drive to tough it out. the mental fight is arguably worse though, n too opaque to find a way through half of any given week - n that's only if it's a good week. I'm always comin up with stuff to try to lead me into gaming n accomplish fun goals that can potentially fulfill on a few lvls but somedays I just have to accept an arduous, nigh-torturous lost day n keep a dwindling reservoir of hope for the next day. you win some, you lose some - as with pretty much anything. rationalization won't stop this impenetrable obstacle n I'm hyperactive n my mother told me even as a small toddler I had to be doin something stimulating all day n night or I went nuts - lost in some mental limbo. that's who I am today - an overgrown, babyfaced child who needs to be productive with things related to inner passions n artistic ambitions - or I feel lost suddenly in this almost-unbearable cosmic loneliness of fucked n broken epinephrine activity. ok gotta stop here
the moral of this ABC Afterschool Special is changing it up, gettin some fresh air, comin up with 'fun' ways to jump into games, capitalization on any feeling of serendipity, or just pure willpower/stubbornness if all else fails. sorry for the TL;DR of this post (typical Prnzo faux pas) but even if my limited advice can't help you - I want you to understand that you are far from alone in your kind of struggle. too much of anything, even shit like love - is a double-edged sword n sometimes you need to be ready to be impaled in attempts to reach even a minor reward.
And I traded in a lot of those games that have trophies for too. Trophies and achievements, in my eyes, keep me from being able to enjoy games if I focus on them. That, or it just destroys my self-confidence haha.
