What's wrong with me?... (GBC Side-scrolling Visual Novel)

Hailzail1991

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Hello, this is my first game.
I have had a comic I've been sitting on for over a decade now.
Then I found out about GBstudio and had a lot of fun making this.

Samantha Dawn Fibbs is posessed by a demon and she eats people.

Here's a link to my itch page for more.
 
Just finished it and before I get to the main topic I wanna touch on, I need to compliment what needs to be complimented first.
For the tiny real estate you got on the tiny GBC screen with the limited color palette, you're really making those pixels count, all the graphic panels look good and I like the detail with the upside down cross sprite being the indicator the main character is speaking.
The music is also a nice companion to the game, I especially like the more suspenseful track that plays after taking the shower.

My biggest issue lays within the game's writing, I'm gonna be blunt here and just straight up state that it sucks. It's overly edgy dialog without any substance, unless you're counting on your demographic being edgy 12 year olds that is.
I see what you are trying to accomplish with the main character Sam, being forced to play as this irredeemable monster, all the while having to witness and interact with their horrific actions.
I'm fine with that but that sort of thing will fall flat on it's ass if it's constantly repeated over and over, at that point it'd be just pure shock value and nothing else. I'm assuming you have more in store with the reason why she's possessed in the first place, and why she has to eat people and it isn't just "She eats people just because".

However, there's still some things I did like about the writing. I really digged the perspective shift that happens when you're playing as the homeless girl, I don't think you utilized it enough.
It's a very interesting concept to play as the monster but then occasionally switch over to the victims perspective, giving the player the illusion/choice that they could impact whether the victim survives or not.

Another thing I liked about the writing but I felt like it was executed poorly was the human-meat burger. Obviously it's shocking at first when the burger is offered to the homeless girl, but after it gets reveled to the character itself, it feels kind of weak because as the player I already knew that information.
You would really benefit with making Sam, an unreliable narrator. Whether it'd be that the human-meat reveal happens to the player at the same time as it's revealed to the victim or with Sam twisting the truth and casting red herrings that only make sense in long-term.

At the end of the day, take everything I said with a grain of salt, as it's my personal opinion and advice which others might not share. I'm not asking you to get rid of the edginess from your game, I'm asking you to moderate it appropriately. The famous "Show, don't tell" method of writing works well when you're not explicitly showing every last bit of detail, sometimes an implied grim fate of a character is more impactful. The horror genre strives on the reader's ability to fill in the blanks himself in his own mind.
The scariest part of horror is whatever your mind imagines, even if that thing isn't actually there or scary when seen.
 
Just finished it and before I get to the main topic I wanna touch on, I need to compliment what needs to be complimented first.
For the tiny real estate you got on the tiny GBC screen with the limited color palette, you're really making those pixels count, all the graphic panels look good and I like the detail with the upside down cross sprite being the indicator the main character is speaking.
The music is also a nice companion to the game, I especially like the more suspenseful track that plays after taking the shower.

My biggest issue lays within the game's writing, I'm gonna be blunt here and just straight up state that it sucks. It's overly edgy dialog without any substance, unless you're counting on your demographic being edgy 12 year olds that is.
I see what you are trying to accomplish with the main character Sam, being forced to play as this irredeemable monster, all the while having to witness and interact with their horrific actions.
I'm fine with that but that sort of thing will fall flat on it's ass if it's constantly repeated over and over, at that point it'd be just pure shock value and nothing else. I'm assuming you have more in store with the reason why she's possessed in the first place, and why she has to eat people and it isn't just "She eats people just because".

However, there's still some things I did like about the writing. I really digged the perspective shift that happens when you're playing as the homeless girl, I don't think you utilized it enough.
It's a very interesting concept to play as the monster but then occasionally switch over to the victims perspective, giving the player the illusion/choice that they could impact whether the victim survives or not.

Another thing I liked about the writing but I felt like it was executed poorly was the human-meat burger. Obviously it's shocking at first when the burger is offered to the homeless girl, but after it gets reveled to the character itself, it feels kind of weak because as the player I already knew that information.
You would really benefit with making Sam, an unreliable narrator. Whether it'd be that the human-meat reveal happens to the player at the same time as it's revealed to the victim or with Sam twisting the truth and casting red herrings that only make sense in long-term.

At the end of the day, take everything I said with a grain of salt, as it's my personal opinion and advice which others might not share. I'm not asking you to get rid of the edginess from your game, I'm asking you to moderate it appropriately. The famous "Show, don't tell" method of writing works well when you're not explicitly showing every last bit of detail, sometimes an implied grim fate of a character is more impactful. The horror genre strives on the reader's ability to fill in the blanks himself in his own mind.
The scariest part of horror is whatever your mind imagines, even if that thing isn't actually there or scary when seen.
Thank you a lot. I appreciate your very thoughtful feedback. I've spent about 3 months on this so far and intend on working on this indefinitely. Since this is my first game it's been a learn something/add something situation. I'm glad you saw some redeeming aspects of my writing, haha. I hope you'll remember me when I add more. most likely in the form of another file. ⸸
 
Thank you a lot. I appreciate your very thoughtful feedback. I've spent about 3 months on this so far and intend on working on this indefinitely. Since this is my first game it's been a learn something/add something situation. I'm glad you saw some redeeming aspects of my writing, haha. I hope you'll remember me when I add more. most likely in the form of another file. ⸸
Good luck on your journey through the steep hill that is game dev. Hope our paths cross again.
 

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