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Message: [QUOTE="ATenderLad, post: 54282, member: 3864"] [HEADING=1]To Clarify, I'm Amazing At Everything Else[/HEADING] There I was, navel-gazing and contemplating life on a weekend. Then I pulled out my phone, started a podcast, and turned on the television like a proper adult with a compromised attention span. Somewhere in the midst of all of this deep contemplation, I began to pay attention to the movie i had on. My imagination took over, and inserted me into the basic premise of the film...and then, my insecurities dreamed up the opposite. [CENTER] [ATTACH type="full" width="313px" alt="1737939322587.png"]17857[/ATTACH][/CENTER] [HR][/HR] In 1984's [I]The Last Starfighter[/I], a young trailer park mechanic moonlighting as a moody teenager plays an arcade game obsessively, to drown out the constant love and support of his cute girlfriend. Sure, physical intimacy seems cool, but why bother when you could nab the new high score in STARFIGHTER, a blatant knock-off of [I]Star Wars: The Arcade Game[/I]? [CENTER] [ATTACH type="full" width="627px" alt="1737873618064.png"]17577[/ATTACH] [B]Dammit Maggie, there's no air in this relationship! I'm in the zone, and it only fits *one* person at a time.[/B] [/CENTER] With the love and support of a community he despises, our hero breaks every record, a god in his own time; straddling the world of electronic entertainment betwixt his conquering thighs. There's probably nothing resembling the internet in this unincorporated town, but we don't need that whiz-bang how-do-you-do to know our boy has become Earth's Mightiest Gamer, like The Hulk with calloused Game Boy thumbs. After that, it's all pretty typical: the old hustler from [I]The Music Man[/I] shows up to recruit the kid for space war, the arcade cabinet having been a secret test to find gamers/gunners skilled enough to ward off an alien armada. Sunrise, sunset, tale as old as time. [CENTER] [ATTACH type="full" width="650px" alt="1737874873633.png"]17585[/ATTACH] [B]Stop me if you've heard this one before.[/B] [/CENTER] Watching this movie, I only had one thought: "I should watch better movies, why don't I love myself?" If I could have more than one thought at a time though (and reader, I *don't*), I'd have asked myself: "What games would the aliens recruit my ass to play, and maybe save the galaxy?" Sure, if Emperor Ty'Ranik and his Cyber-Devils from the Horsehead Nebula can be deterred by the efficent routing that I learned from [I]Monaco: What's Yours Is Mine[/I], I could be their champion. Maybe what the universe really needs is some jackass who played a lot of [I]Garou: Mark of the Wolves[/I]; whistling Rock's stage theme *really* annoys the Cyber-Devils. [CENTER] [ATTACH type="full" width="1012px" alt="1737879100452.png"]17596[/ATTACH] [B]Surprisingly, [I]Children[/I] by Robert Miles had no effect on the invaders.[/B] [/CENTER] Most other games though? The Earth is Fu- [HEADING=2]Starcraft[/HEADING] [ATTACH type="full" align="left" width="541px" alt="1737878915796.png"]17595[/ATTACH]I have an incredibly abusive relationship with Blizzards seminal real-time strategy masterpiece, [I]Starcraft[/I]. On the one hand, it's an amazing pastiche of sci-fi cinema that earnestly tells it's own compelling story, with three playable factions existing in a state of harmonic game balance, despite an abundance of units with multiple uses and abilities. Everything from the base-building to the individual combat show a keen eye for tactical play, and even aesthetics and themes; the Terrans have mobile buildings that can re-locate at a moment's notice, the Protoss warp in pre-fab structures from the homeworld, and the Zerg are fleshy perverts spewing goop to and fro to mark their territory, like a teenager with the house to themselves. Every few years I'll fire up the original game and play from the beginning of the solo campaign, starting with the Terrans on a doomed and dusty backwater planet. It's pulls me in each time, with the charming presentation, and the thrill of an early defense mission holding off a Zerg swarm, hoping against hope to survive till an evac shuttle arrives. For such a finicky genre of game, [I]Starcraft[/I] comes off more exciting than tedious, with a fantastic soundtrack and voice acting giving the experience a polish you just didn't see back then. I grew up playing my mom's NES, but [I]Starcraft[/I], [I]Diablo[/I], and [I]Fallout[/I] made PC games come alive for me. I *love* this game. Tragically, it's also completely beyond me! I am pure heartbreak at competitive play in this, or any other RTS. Let me think about my turn, I'll play any strategy game you want. Hell, we can break out a clock if you don't want this chess game to drag. Yet, there's something about constant micro-decisions in [I]Starcraft[/I] that short-circuits my brain, like airplane glue in the neighbors "fun-geon". (To be honest, it's not a very fun dungeon, but I've got all this glue and a well-ventilated house, I'm out of options.) [CENTER] [ATTACH type="full" width="839px" alt="1737878624314.png"]17594[/ATTACH] [B]"Y'all do LAN parties? I've got my battlestation packed up in the Mazda."[/B] [/CENTER] If the aliens descend, having used [I]Starcraft[/I] to sniff out a battlefield commander to lead their forces to glory, I'm telling them about South Korea and saving all our lives. [HEADING=2]Guitar Hero[/HEADING] [ATTACH type="full" align="left" width="184px" alt="1737927102990.png"]17761[/ATTACH]Rhythm games like [I]Guitar Hero[/I] and [I]Rock Band[/I] brought the fun of karaoke with friends and lovers to video games. All the joy of being a jukebox hero and an air-guitar virtuoso, with the tactile feedback of fast-paced video game execution. Get your head straight, crack those knuckles, and breeze through "Psychobilly Freakout," verging on the high of a Tetris Effect-style flow state; like bagging groceries, or ritual sacrifice. You know, [I]raw efficiency[/I]. That's to say nothing of the music; everyone has their tastes, but my old man and uncle once got into a fist-fight at a gas station over a perceived slight about the drumming of Neil Pert. Suffice to say, I grew up with all of this shit, Black Sabbath to butt rock. I found my own interests with time, but I still re-watch [I]Highlander[/I] (1986) to freak out to "Princes of the Universe." [RIGHT][/RIGHT] [CENTER][MEDIA=youtube]9g-WQE_Gw4w[/MEDIA][/CENTER] Sadly, I'm about as talented at [I]Guitar Hero[/I] as I am at strumming an *actual* guitar; I can wing the James Bond theme, but that took a very patient hour of my cousins time. It's a four finger problem; yes, I have five, but my brain doesn't remember that when a video game starts heating up. Crank up the difficulty on a rhythm game to anything beyond "Baby With Spoons" and you're about to hear a side of [I]Misirlou [/I]you didn't want to know existed. When I play [I]Shout At The Devil[/I], you will be convinced that The Prince of Lies is punishing you for raising your voice. If little green men ask me to be their [I]Macross[/I]-style musical savior, I'm calling Tom Morello. Y'all can find my ass at the merch table. [HEADING=2]Competitive Fighting Games[/HEADING] [ATTACH type="full" align="left" width="502px" alt="1737933716328.png"]17825[/ATTACH]From [I]Karate Champ[/I] to[I] Tekken 8[/I], fighting games are the simplest for a layman to watch and see the skill on hand. Maybe you don't know the difference between blue and red parries, but everyone can see the reflexes required. When a great read with an anti-air stuffs a jump kick, you can tell a player has the measure of the opponent, taking advantage of their ingrained habits and mistakes. I watch EVO every year, even for the games I don't play, you're bound to see a dramatic comeback or incredible play regardless. It's like Nanna always told me, "Beat the brakes and transmission off a motherfucker, and I'm sitting my ass down to watch." Actually playing fighting games has only gotten easier with time, with more robust networking and training options to learn the trade. Just right now you have [I]Street Fighter 6[/I] for the try-hard sweats, [I]King of Fighters XV[/I] if you like fun and have a soul, [I]Tekken 8[/I] to play Kuma, [I]Guilty Gear Strive[/I] if your waifu is Freddie Mercuy, and [I]Mortal Kombat 1[/I] if you're a punk bitch, playing the punk bitch game you deserve. I don't think it's ever been simpler to jump into a fighter, compared to the early 90's, when the older kids might have taken your quarters at the bowling alley for using cheap shit like "throws", and "other basic mechanics." (I'm not bitter.) Now, I'm not the *worst.* I've put the time in, I'm certified on the equipment, I'm with the union. It's safe to say with anything resembling [I]Street Fighter 2[/I], I'm not getting took by a first-timer mashing buttons. ([I]Tekken 3[/I] Eddie Gordo notwithstanding.) The thing is, getting better at something like, say, [I]Skullgirls[/I] or [I]Garou: Mark of the Wolves[/I], only helps you understand how unbelievably *fucking* talented the real killers are. Yes, anyone can do [URL='https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzS96auqau0']Evo Moment #37[/URL] with practice, but let them try that shit playing Justin Wong, live, with an audience. At every game I've sunk time into, I've mostly plateaued at the point where I can grasp what's happening in higher level play, but know I haven't got it in me to train the muscle memory or in-depth match-up knowledge to recreate what I'm seeing. Should the worst come to pass, and E.T. needs a champ to drive a [I]Real Steel[/I]-style mech in the ring with a Rancor wearing boxing gloves, I'll pass a link to Punk's Twitch and be the robot's Paulie. [CENTER] [ATTACH type="full" alt="1737933497904.gif"]17822[/ATTACH][/CENTER] [HEADING=2]What About You?[/HEADING] So that's my glorified shower thought, replete with quips and the occasional explanation. If you were bored enough to read this far, have you considered wittling? For everyone allergic to trees though, maybe comment and let everyone know what game or genre you *wish* you were good at! [/QUOTE]

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