COURSE ONE: RIGHT HERE. GET YOU SOME.
INT: ROYAL CHAMBERS, DEATHBED, CASTLE GRUYERE, CHEESE MOUNTAIN
"Damn it, pull yourself together," said the Queen of Cheese Mountain with great irritation. "You've been dying for 6 months now, and the feast is still on hold! The clowns are eating each other, you big baby! EATING EACH OTHER! We brought out a repast of a million different flavors of Assassin's Creed to keep the skinsuited racoons happy, but they rejected half of it! Now they're eating the clowns who are, let me remind you, EATING EACH OTHER! It's carnage! Bloody fucking carnage!"
"Damn it, woman! What do they want from me? I got so angry at Metropolis Zone that it metastasized inside me! Left me a shell of a man! Just the government, and no cheese! By god, even my image is edited more poorly than yours! I'm weak, my love. I'm tired! I don't know where I'll find the strength to carry on! The courage to recover!" replied the ailing King, greatly upset about being part of this ham-handed attempt to fix a long delayed narrative.
The Queen, though, was doing what she usually did: having none of his lame excuses. "You already beat the cancer! You spent the entire time calling it Super C because it made you feel better to imagine little shirtless commando guys inside you blowing it up like it was the Red Falcon! Now get out of that bed before I make like Captain Falcon! Get my drift?" Her knuckles cracked ominously, but the king was unmoved. His gaze, cloudy. His narrative, increasingly unhinged.
And it was in that moment, when all seemed lost, close to his narratively convenient impending doom, that the great and glorious King of Cheese Mountain looked to the heavens. Actually, slightly below those. To the portraits of his ancestors lining the walls, and implored, "Oh, great great grandfather Higgins! My death approaches, and the internet still needs me! What would you do, here at the end of all things, when you need strength the most?"
"My child," came a voice from beyond, a voice somehow both regal and absurd all at once, "think upon your bloodline! The Higginses! Great and terrible Kunio-Kun! Mighty Bubblin and powerful Bobblin! What is the source of our great strength? Think, Cheese King! Think with your stomach!"
The King looked deep inside. And as if the answer were there all along - it struck him! The superpower possessed by every member of his ancient lineage! The answer to every ill!
"Quickly, wife! There's no more time to waste! We can neither dilly, nor dally! Bring it to me! The royal remedy! The potion of power!" He said, vivid hallucinations of talking paintings still in his head.
"No! It's too dangerous! Then again, if it gets you out of bed and gets us back to the feast..." mused the Queen.
"To Metropolis Zone with the risks!" He cried. "Bring forth the KARMA JOLT!"
"Oh, man! I'm in flavor country! I have the power!"
"THE POWER?!"
"No! Go away, Grahf! You're one course too early! Also - ENUCK-CHUCK!"
INT: DINING HALL, STATELY CASTLE GRUYERE, ATOP GLORIOUS CHEESE MOUNTAIN
The King, following his super cool 70s anime Gatchaman style transformation sequence, flew to the dining hall, and promptly chose to ignore the carnage that had ensued during his period of convalescence. "My loyal subjects! I thank you for your patience, and your well wishes! Someone, bring in the cleaning people! And a hose! My hall reeks of dead clowns!"
"We're not here for you to continue this cockamamie framing story any longer, you chump! Get to talking shit about Mega Man 2 already!" Hollered the only living clown remaining, seated gaily upon a throne made of red rubber noses, giant shoes, bones, and with the sentient clown car on a leash, in a cliche, very metal Lord Humongous from Road Warrior kind of way.
"Bloody nobles," grumbled the king. "Can't even have the good decency to finish eating each other while I'm gone. Fine! Mega Man 2! Fuck it! Fuck it right in the ear! And put up the image from last time that ended the stupid article, because we've hit our limit for number of attached images, and need to continue in another dang article! Damn you, hindsight!"
INT: CASA CATILLAC, VERMONT, USA, UNFORTUNATELY IN THE REAL WORLD
Couldn't agree more, fellas. BRUH. I had the entire Mega Man 2 section typed out and ready for a carefully chosen set of idiotically edited images and comments, and here we are. I have a lot more detail to go into of course, and I shall by day's end, but now I know the eventual final course needs to be a little less...BIGLY. Mega Man 2 has badly designed stages and pointless weapons that make me feel dumb. Short version. Gotta backpedal. Adjust the plans. Retreat toward future victory! Hang on to your lugnuts, it's time for an overhaul!
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