I sit in a beat up metal chair on a chilly autumn night, admiring the stars above my grandma’s home, away from societal expectations, abusive parents, and almost any other limitations, or so it felt at least. I was simply myself as the stars watched over me.
Growing up, I felt more at ease as the sun set, be it the starlit skies of the trailer park, or the neon signs and street lights of town. I felt more grown up getting to stay up past my bedtime, and my most carefree moments almost always seemed to happen under the moon.
When I was a very small child, probably about 6, before everything sort of fell apart, my family would sometimes let me stay up late to play Nintendo 64 with my brother or to watch Good Times with them. I felt like I got to experience a grown up privilege early, to be able to stay up longer when I wasn’t tired and enjoy more time doing what I love. It was special to me.
Later on, I would sometimes accompany my brother and his friends on their more child friendly-ish adventures, like riding ATVs through the back roads and playing video games late into the night. Looking back, they clearly just tolerated me because I was home schooled and didn’t have many friends, but at least they cared enough to do that, and for a night here and there I felt grown up and free, as the trees whizzed past and the stars above greeted me with open arms.
In my preteen and teen years, I was limited on a lot of things growing up due to helicopter parenting and abuse as things went further south, video games being one of them. It was partially my fault as I did neglect my studies, but even after working my ass off to earn back my privileges, I was only ever allowed 2 hours on weekends if I stayed above a B average in everything, and I didn’t get to freely explore my town and get into hijinks with friends. It was mostly school and home...my not so sweet home. But there was a silver lining. When everyone was in bed and my door was shut, I would sometimes game a couple of hours away on my 3DS before doing to sleep. I could lose myself in the magical worlds of Kingdom Hearts, train to beat my rival at school in Smash 4 (I had to sneak my 3DS for that too), and grind, strategize and matchmake to my heart’s content in Fire Emblem. I even got a surprising amount to work on it’s primitive and glitchy web browser, as I sated my curiosity and kept in touch with long distance friends who understood me better than anyone. I could immerse myself like I did as a child, while the moon watched over me from outside my prison.
Sometimes I would get a break at my grandma’s place. I wasn’t particularly close to her either, but she didn’t have strict rules for me to follow. Just don’t be a jerk and clean up my messes. Common sense things. I didn’t always have internet at home, and I had to be sneaky when I did, but she had decent internet and an old laptop she never used. A magical portal to infinite knowledge and people that understood me, running the crustiest install of XP I’ve ever seen when Windows 10 was already mainstream. So I would spend the nights at her place grinding away in Elsword, sometimes exploring the...hormonal and romantic side of myself via e-dating, as my life was too rigid to facilitate that kind of bond in real life. As the cold night breeze filled the room, I cozied up under the comforter. A big, old CRT television playing nothing in particular, and the sounds of heavy metal and critical hits filling the room. During nights like this, I felt at peace, as the moon watched over me from my makeshift vacation home.
Occasionally I got to attend an event, usually a Halloween party. Festive decorations, classmates, hey bail rides as unconvincing, yet charming actors and special effects jump out to scare us. The smell of autumn leaves and the cool fall air, as I freely converse with my classmates about nothing in particular, free to curse and laugh and be silly as my wardens were nowhere near. Barbecue tasted so much more savory on nights like this, as the full moon shined on me with love.
Eventually, I finally escaped those walls for good. Some family and I moved into an apartment where we share responsibilities and expenses to this day. I’m not really restricted in any way apart from work and a general lack of stuff to do in this town these days, but I can still entertain myself if all else fails. The glow of my computer monitor, connected to a computer that would make teenage me green with envy, and the sound of my television playing Youtube feel like a reward after years of struggle. Sometimes my neighbor and I have a LAN party, with Little Caesars and whatever my spare LAN computer can run, shouting and being stupid till midnight as I mooch of his Dr. Pepper in exchange for paying the lion’s share of the pizza.
More recently, I discovered RetroGameTalk.com, a community of world weary gamers like myself who welcomed me with open arms from the start, and inspired me to finally pursue my dream of being a content creator. Through every faux paus and general screw up as I learn my way around the process, you all have been there to cheer me on, with an enthusiasm I never expected, much less this soon. When I’m not doing anything else, I’m so happy just to laugh and post with you all into the late hours of the night, the street lights and moon shining through my window.
Is there some sort of divine being or beings above us, or is it just a collection of objects in a spontaneous miracle? That is beyond me to say, but to me, the moon will always be my mother Gaia, watching over me with love. Under her I’m my true self. Under her I’m strong. I aspire to be that light for others as she is for me.
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