Random Jokes Thread

[Stingy Perry]

An American tourist goes into a bar in Ireland. Gets a beer and decides to be sociable. Two very large ladies are seated at the bar. He listens to them for a while and decides they might be Scottish. He pulled up a seat next to them and says’’Are you from Scotland?’’ ‘’It’s Wales ya idjit Wales.’’ ‘’Oh I’m terribly sorry’’ he says. ‘’Are you two whales from Scotland?’’

 

[RanmyakuIchi's iconRanmyakuIchi]

My father always used to say, “In life, one door might close, but another one will open.” He was a great philosopher. But an awful cabinet builder.

 

[Cheela]

not really a joke per say but a phrase we use a lot in my friend group xD
"Con paciencia y saliva, se la metió el elefante a la hormiga" that's translate to something like "With Patience and saliva, The elephant fucked the ant" is a
nice rhyme in spanish and a fucked up saying for just be careful and patient bro xD

 

[Stingy Perry]

not really a joke per say but a phrase we use a lot in my friend group xD
"Con paciencia y saliva, se la metió el elefante a la hormiga" that's translate to something like "With Patience and saliva, The elephant fucked the ant" is a
nice rhyme in spanish and a fucked up saying for just be careful and patient bro xD

Now that’s an interesting way to say Patience is a virtue.

Post automatically merged: Friday at 6:26 AM

Here’s a kind of an insult we dish at some rich kids at middle school who thinks they’re better than us ‘commoners’ just because they’re being homeschooled at weekends.

What do you call a teacher that doesn’t fart in public?
The answe a private tutor.

 

[Evaccaneer Doom]

Wait the general chat is back?

 

[Octopus]

This one is a bit of a long one, but it's always made me laugh. I'll try and condense it as much as possible, but a part of the joke is in how it's told and the buildup.

A train conductor was doing his thing, just driving his train down some tracks. Probably about a hundred or so people on board, the usual variety of people; some who were travelling for work, the stewards on board. Everything was going fine, until suddenly the train derails. Everyone on board is killed except for the conductor. No one blamed him, sometimes these things happen. So after a week of mandatory time off, he goes back to work.

Another derailment happens the same day, killing 48 people (everyone who was on board except for the conductor). This time, everyone blamed him. They sentence him to death by the electric chair for his clear incompetence. He's asked for his final meal on the day it happens, and he asks for a banana. It's a strange request, but they bring him a banana and he eats it. They bring him to the chamber, sit him down, and turn the current on.

Nothing happens.

They pull the switch again, and nothing happens. He isn't damaged, or electrocuted, and doesn't even appear phased. Not knowing what to do, they just let him go back to work.

Another derailment happens, and he kills 83 people this time. Once again, they sentence him to death by electric chair. They ask him for his last meal, again, and he asks for two bananas this time. Afterwards, they bring him to the chair, and turn on the current. Once again, nothing happens. The warden of the prison is furious, and schedules him to have another execution the next week. The day comes for the third time.

The conductor is asked for his last meal, and this time he asks for three bananas. The warden denies him his meal, convinced that somehow, the bananas were the secret to his impossible survival rate. They strap him into the chair, this time on an empty stomach, and flip the switch. Nothing happens.

The warden charges into the execution chamber. He demands that the conductor tell him how he did it, since he didn't have any bananas this time.

Oh, replies the conductor, it was never about the bananas. I'm just a bad conductor.

 

[Nebulon_Galaxy]

 

[Bakuma1997]

YOU!



JK

 

[RanmyakuIchi's iconRanmyakuIchi]

I went to McDonald's today and ate a kid's meal. His mom was pissed.

 

[Stingy Perry]

Fred came home from the University in tears, “Mum am I adopted?” “No of course not”, his mother replied.
Fred showed his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives and a strong matches for a family who lived at the other side of the city.
Shocked his mother called her husband. “Honey Fred has a DNA test and…..and…..I don’t know how to say this……,he may not be our son.
“We’ll obviously” he replied.
“What do you mean” she asked.
“It was idea at the first place “ her husband continued.”You remembered that first night at the hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry.” “On and on.” “And you asked me to change him……”
“I picked a good one I reckon.”
“Ever so proud of Fred.”