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Message: [QUOTE="Sumea, post: 230932, member: 569"] "well, whatever, I die in the end anyway" has a big grip on me. Whatever I tried I failed with thanks to social reasons or just not being good at it. Age has started pressing me, my ability to learn new things and recall once known skills keeps getting weaker. I do not feel hope if I even feel much in general. I do know having the wrong job or school with the wrong people, again, would be worse than just not, demotivating more. The things I enjoyed doing as short stint are not actual careers but stuff given subsidized to people with long record of nothing. Enjoyment from doing stuff has diminished gradually to the bottom over a decade. Not just jobs but video games and so on. All I had was a psychosis that made me have 200% aware of death and my death, from wake to to trying to sleep. Time is ticking and has already trickled decades. While I had some kind of "Oh shit I got to do something with myself or just die like this", I actually got nothing lasting from it and ended up worse mentally. Been just more numb after a lot of medication made that one fade away. Being not so fond of world and yourself are very poor pools of energy for motivational grab the bull by the horns and go forth to your destiny type of stuff. [/QUOTE]

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